“The one thing I can control in my life right now,” I laughed sardonically.

Tim just looked at me, patted my head, walked away, and I continued reorganizing our bathroom storage.

I hate organizing.

I don’t choose to organize unless it is necessary. And that day it was. Not because that bathroom cupboard was so bad but because the rest of my life has felt upside down.

Our kitchen looks like this right now. As I write this. And I had to laugh walking in because I didn’t even know the fridge and oven had been moved.

As the one who does all of the cooking, meal planning, and general food prep in this house it is like my office was taken away from me. I am working from a tiny kitchenette in the basement.

I know that I know that I know I will love our kitchen when this work is done but it is not done in this moment. The day of the bathroom organization was also the day the ceiling and last wall came down. It was the penultimate day of demo (which was one wall and ceiling further than I expected) and the things I had done felt undone, the work I had to do felt too difficult.

There are unseen stressors as well related to family, work, and relationships. Sometimes it all comes together into one big sensation: overwhelmed.

Overwhelm is like a flooded system. Like a ship facing a storm and the bow is overcome by a wave. Or a computer crashing because it was overloaded with data.

Overwhelm can happen to a person in stress but it can also happen with feelings. When the pain or grief takes over and all that is left to do is cry. Or anxiety over the future causes a panic attack. Or the injustice of a wrong results in feelings of rage.

For some, overwhelm comes with sensory overload. Those who are Highly Sensitive People take in sights, sounds, smells, and sensations at a greater intensity level than average folks. Or they absorb the emotions in the room at a higher intensity. Sometimes the overstimulation is more than we can take.

Things hit bottom that day on the bathroom floor. I’ve had to make some changes to get through this. To regulate it all internally.

How I am regaining composure

I. Normalize the Hard

This experience of the kitchen remodel has been overwhelming for me but it is always helpful for me to normalize my experience because I have a tendency to see myself as the one who is in the wrong. Like everyone else can handle life and I am the one who is a mess. This is quintessential Enneagram 4, by the way. We see others through rose colored glasses and ourselves as inadequate and falling short.

I did two things. First, I listened to my friends who said renovating their kitchen was one of the hardest things they have done. I received their affirmation that it is stressful and I am not alone. I received their empathy and care. I accepted meals and invitations over for dinner.

It was not helping me to pretend that everything was okay (which I do tend to do with others) but I acknowledged my stress.

I also (finally) watched Sensitive: The Untold Story* which is a documentary on Highly Sensitive People (HSPs). I have read Dr. Elaine Aron’s books The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive in a World that Overwhelms You* and The Highly Sensitive Parent: Be Brilliant in Your Role, Even When the World Overwhelms You* (see a pattern with overwhelm?) which were so good. I needed to SEE others talking about their experience as HSPs.

I feel so different with my frequent overwhelm but I’m not different from them.

20% of the population are HSPs. People like Alanis Morisette, Sarah Bareilles, and Glennon Doyle are all Highly Sensitive People and have talked about finding themselves unable to function or cope at the same “level” with life as others, which can be so exhausting.

I am not alone. I am not wrong. I may be different but that difference is also normal.

II. Give Myself Space to Heal

One thing I hate about dealing with overwhelm is the amount of time it takes to recover. But if I don’t give myself that space, guess what? I don’t recover. I continue to swing on a pendulum of stressors from angry and irrational and stressed to burnt out and withdrawn.

And giving myself space isn’t the same as withdrawing from the world to lick my wounds. I’m talking about choosing to sit out on the patio on these warm spring days, away from my kids and the kitchen, to listen to the birds and frogs and squirrels in my neighborhood, and to become grounded in the world again.

I’m giving myself space to process the thoughts and feelings I carry with me so that I am not stuck in them. I am asking myself the story I am telling myself and getting curious about whether it is true.

I am taking concrete steps to move forward, like sitting in a coffee shop to write. I’m finding the normal in my own life again.

III. Giving Myself Compassion

For some reason this is the hardest step. I am offering myself compassion for how hard life is right now.

My brain tells me I should not suffer through this kitchen project. It is a good change. Kind of like a “good problem” which is what people like to say when we say we are busy with our small businesses.

But if I don’t offer myself compassion for my overwhelm, I instead create more overwhelm. I beat myself up for not holding it together and then I feel worse. Sound familiar?

For some reason in our society it is more acceptable to be mean to ourselves than to be kind to ourselves. It is acceptable to speak to ourselves negatively and not okay to love on ourselves. To care for ourselves as we would our own children.

My sister sent this lovely video of Ru Paul loving his five year old self.

Part of me laughs and feels embarrassed watching this intimate form of self-love. And then part of me feels super vulnerable thinking of doing this myself.

But what would it look like if I saw myself and my overwhelm as that hurt child self, struggling in an overwhelming world, and just trying so hard to hold it all together. What if I could simply look at my own sweet face and love me like Ru loves himself?

With my own kids I show so much patience and compassion when they are overwhelmed. I help them create a positive environment for doing homework or chores to make it more manageable. I encourage them. I hug them. I tell them I love them.

I can do the same thing for myself.

What do you need to take for you, today?

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I know this isn’t a normal Enneagram post but HSPs are many Enneagram types. They are 2s, 4,s 6s, and 9s. They are 1s, 5s, and yes, even 7s. I’m sure there are even 3s and 8s who are HSPs. If you are curious if you might be a Highly Sensitive Person, check out Dr. Aron’s self-test (I score as high as 23 but it can fluctuate) and I highly recommend her books which I linked above.

*Affiliate links. Thank you for supporting my work this way!

People think when I say “I’m afraid of heights” I mean I get nervous to go on roller coasters or have a fear of flying. Both are things I have done and actually really enjoyed.

No, I’ve developed an extreme fear of falling off of heights, even when we are not in risk of falling.

For example, there is a cliff on the north shore of Lake Superior called Palisade Head which rises 300 feet above the lake. A Few years ago, my husband and I were staying at a resort nearby when we went to visit. I had been there many times before and for a little while, I was fine. We parked, looked over the wall lining the parking lot and began to walk on the rocks 30 or 40 feet away from the edge.

Suddenly, I knew we were about to fall off the cliff.

My brain saw it. My body felt it. I felt electric. Tense. My heart raced and my palms sweat and I began speaking in a high, urgent voice. I started speed walking back to the car and told my husband to come, too. He looked at me completely confused and looked at the other people much much closer to the edge than we were. He said, you can go back I’m going to go further.

No! I yelled at him to come with me. I was near tears. Shaking.

Incredulous, he just stared at me. I don’t remember if he came back or continued walking around. I just remember the fear.

This fear or anxiety is not one I face on a daily basis but last weekend we went to the North Shore again and while the boys and Tim went to Palisade Head, I stayed in the car and listened to an audio book while playing a game on my phone. It’s best to just not expose myself to the cliff.

They were fine. I was fine.

Fear is a warning system in our bodies indicating to us that something is wrong.

We need fear.

Like anger, fear serves an important purpose. While my fear of heights is more intense than it needs to be, there is a healthy dose of fear that keeps someone from standing too close to the edge. In fact, it is the job of the amygdala in the brain to shoot out hormones that help us be alert to danger and protect us from harm.

Fear is important when there is a threat.

But what do we do when we struggle with fear to the point that it becomes anxiety? When our amygdala begins to shoot off the warning signs and there is no actual danger? Or when we just have a general sense that something is going to go wrong - all the time?

Some of us struggle with fear of the future.

The future is unknown and feels full of risks. We may pull from past experiences of loss or failure and imagine the same thing happening in the future. Or we may believe all will be as bad as it is right now. Or we may simply expect things cannot keep going as well as they are.

When we talk about the Enneagram and the Head Triad’s Struggle with Fear, this is specifically what we are talking about.

The Head Triad and Fear

The Enneagram Head Triad includes Types 5, 6, and 7. These are the Thinkers. They are the ones most likely to take in information through data and thinking. When fear shows, their thinking tends to center around the negative things that could happen. But they each fear different things and cope with their fear in very different ways.

Enneagram 5s, if you remember from our post on motivations, desire to be competent and knowledgable. Conversely, they fear being incompetent, not knowing what to do or having critical data. Type 5s may not come across as people preparing for the future or being anxious because they are generally detached from their emotions. They cope with anxiety by gathering more information. By detaching emotionally and studying more. All of this is to prevent being without the knowledge they believe they will need in the future to be confident and competent. But no one can know everything and we all need to ask for help eventually.

Enneagram 6s desire to be safe, secure and supported - both in the present and in the future. However, they fear bad things happening in the future. In fact, this is the type most likely to have thought through all potential negative scenarios and made a plan for what to do if all things go wrong. They tend to be the most prepared in an emergency because they have spent a significant amount of time thinking through potential problems. Type 6s actually cope with their anxiety through pessimism - planning for the worst. These are the people who pack everything except the kitchen sink and have every minute planned for a trip. All to make sure it will go smoothly. Except we can’t plan for everything.

Enneagram 7s want to feel good, happy, and satisfied. In fact, they generally give people the impression that they do feel good and are happy and satisfied. Their greatest fear for the future is that they will be deprived of what they want or believe they need to experience those good feelings. Boredom is insufferable. Woe to anyone who disrupts their fun. Type 7s uniquely cope with their anxiety about their future through optimism. They look to the next thing as being better than the current thing if the current stimulation becomes depleted. They anticipate the fun running out and have something they are looking forward to. The difficulty is that they struggle to find satisfaction in the moment because they are convinced something will go wrong and something better must be somewhere else.

I have great compassion for each of these Enneagram Types. It is tiring to be alert to potential problems all the time. The good news is everyone can grow and experience relief from pressing anxiety.

Practice the Present Moment

One important practice is being grounded in the safety of the present moment. The following exercise can be used whether you are feeling anxious, ashamed, or even angry.

First, what are you feeling right now? If you are already grounded, great! This will be good practice. If you are feeling anxious, stressed, or anything else, how would you rate the intensity on a scale of 1-10?

Take a moment to look around. Where are you?

Let’s name your senses.

Name 5 things that you can see.

Name 4 things you can feel with your skin.

Name 3 things you hear.

Name 2 things you smell.

Name 1 thing you taste.

Now what are you feeling in your emotions? Do you sense a shift? Any shift downward is a shift towards a more regulated nervous system.

This practice can be used during a break from a fight, in the middle of an exam, after an accident - whenever we need some regulation in our emotions.

One of the reasons we fear the future is we fear we won’t have what it takes to face what may come. But we have been given the capacity - the tools, the knowledge, the people, even resources in our own bodies to cope with the struggles that come our way.

You have what it takes.

If you need more or desire further coaching on how to face your fears, please reach out or schedule a free coaching consultation. I would love to chat with you.

"I chose Leah as my coach because she is real and authentic.  She gives me space to process and brings  unique insight to my thoughts, feelings & experiences.  With her help, I have experienced a ton of growth both personally and in my closest relationships."  #teamleah 

-Sally

To start with, I posted a video on TikTok of a minor accident that occurred during our deck demo last summer and it went viral. The following days and even weeks were spent with far too much time moderating comments, blocking trolls, and fielding requests to repost the video and/or license the video to sell.

@leahdeversonDemo Day #heisokay #funny #funnyvideos #fyp #demoday #humor #comedy #lol #lmao #laugh #haha #foryourpage

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As fun as that all was, it was more than a little distracting. And with the holidays, my kids’ birthdays, orchestra concerts, sporting events and managing my own health… some things have not gotten done.

I felt like I needed a major reset at the new year so I went shopping for a paper planner. Yes, I use paper. And stickers. And fun pens. Paper keeps me grounded and focused in a way that digital planners don’t. I have yet to find a digital calendar where I can view my tasks next to the day’s appointments AND have space for brainstorming thoughts/feelings. But even as I looked at multiple stores online and in person I couldn’t quite find what I was looking for.1

So I made one.

And I want to share it with you.

I call it the Self-Care Planner because the goal isn’t just to get stuff done but to make sure it’s the right stuff. The Self-Care Planner helps me get priorities done without sacrificing myself for the sake of productivity.

Elements include:

Top Three Priorities for Today: Listing the top 3 helps me make sure they get done and helps me feel accomplished at the end of the day because I set a realistic goal rather than an unending list of tasks. If I don’t know what they are, the following sections help me figure them out.

I feel… Checking in with our feelings is so important at any point in the day. I only included five feeling words but of course you can write in your own. (An entire feeling wheel just wouldn’t fit!) I use it in the beginning to see if there are things that need to be adjusted while I plan my days which leads me to my next point

I need… so many of us struggle to know what we need. But taking a few moments at the beginning of the day to name it can make a huge shift in the day. We may actually be able to take care of ourselves. This may be I need a shoulder to cry on or I need a nap or I need to go for a walk. It may even be I need to cancel those plans later. Or simply I need to finally make that phone call that is causing anxiety.

Notes/To-Dos I created this space for jotting down all the thoughts in my brain, usually in a bullet format but you do you. It is a small space but it helps me highlight what feels pressing so I can choose what is actually a priority. Sometimes I simply write down things I’m thinking about. If I need more space, I then open my journal. (This one page can’t be everything)

My Schedule Today: Here I have the day mapped out by hour from 8am-7pm. I believe using something like this is called “time blocking” so we can physically see how much time each priority/meeting/task takes up. Time is far too abstract for most of us. Writing it out can help.

You can download the Self-Care Planner pdf via this link as a thank you for subscribing! And for hanging in there as I continue to work on my own productivity which includes being here for you.

Self-Care Planner pdf download

What helps you remain focused and on task?

What elements do you like in a planner?

Leave a comment

Productivity, the Enneagram, and Integrating our True Selves

The goal of the Enneagram (in my opinion) is to live more fully from our True Selves. Part of that is becoming integrated people, utilizing all three of our Centers of Intelligence: Thoughts, Feelings, and Intuition.

As an Enneagram 4 with a lot of feelings and a lot of thoughts, I can suddenly realize it is noon and I haven’t even considered my to-do list. This is not great for business. It is important for me to make sure I am tapping into my Intuition which is the Center that helps us get stuff done. It is the gut knowledge about what is right, needed, and important.

Other Enneagram types have trouble recognizing their feelings and still others struggle with thinking objectively about their day. They do purely from their feelings which means sometimes what they are doing is not the most rational.

I wrote a bit about Enneagram Stances last year but I want to highlight one important piece:

We each fall asleep to an important part of ourselves, daily.

Our work is to see this and integrate that piece back into our full selves.

The Enneagram Stances highlight which Center of Intelligence is underutilized by each Enneagram Type.

• Types 3, 7, and 8 are in the Assertive or Independent Stance and they underutilize their Feeling Intelligence.

• Types 1, 2, and 6 are in the Dependent Stance and they underutilize their Thinking Intelligence.

• Types 4, 5, and 9 underutilize their Intuition/Doing Intelligence.

My little pdf (download here) is simply one way to utilize these Centers to be our more fully integrated, True Selves.

How can I help? Leave a question or comment and I’ll get back to you asap!

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I said to him, “I don’t want another person in our house.”

He put down his phone in frustration. “I should have expected this. You always see what is wrong, the one thing that could be wrong.”

My heart sank. I apologized. He’s not wrong. He picked up his phone and kept working on the job description and we agree to talk about it more later. When we do discuss it and I read the job description, I agree it is a good decision, the right thing right now. And we continue to go about our day.

But I can’t shake the shame.

Even right now, I hear his voice ringing in my ears. “You only see what is wrong.”

Shame is speaking to me, too. “You aren’t enough. You can’t do enough. You should’ve provided that admin support for his business. You should’ve finished that financial paperwork. You failed.”

Tim makes us brunch and I wonder if he is still mad at me. He kisses me and gives me a hug to calm me. I still feel uneasy. “I am a disappointment. I’m not enough.” Tim assures me that’s not true. I struggle to believe it.

When people are asked to name their feelings, they typically can name angry, happy, and sad. But most scholars and feelings experts (aka psychologists, social workers, therapists, etc) name upwards of 87 different emotions. Emotions are typically broken into categories like this feelings wheel I got off of Pinterest.

The emotions we struggle with or which are seen as negative are at the top of the Feelings Wheel and are typically broken into the broad categories Sad, Angry, and Scared/Fear. This feelings wheel is so helpful and I pull it out with my clients All.The.Time.

Interestingly, the Enneagram names our main emotional struggles as Anger, Fear, and Shame. And shame is the emotional struggle of three Enneagram types, probably every day. But what is shame?

Brené Brown, self-described shame researcher, writes,

“I define shame as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging—something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.”1

Dr. Brown describes guilt as the sense that we have done something bad, but shame tells us, “I am bad.”2

Shame speaks to us in the first person:

I am not wanted.

I am not enough.

I must do more to be accepted.

I must be better, no the best to belong.

I am a disappointment.

I am a failure.

I am unlovable.

And so on…

Sound familiar?

American culture is intensely shame-based as it relies on performance, producing, and pleasing as the basis of belonging. We learn from an early age to prove our worthy by “being good,” getting good grades, excelling in sports or music, and towing the line with family and societal expectations. We are trained to wear a polished mask and hide any unpleasant or disruptive emotions. To be successful. Anyone who does not, is not acceptable.

Many of us could tell stories and wounds of shame from our past.

Tim was told by his principal that his parents must be so disappointed in him.

I was told by a psychologist that I didn’t have what it takes to be a writer, before I even started.

A client tells me how her brother has been verbally abusive since they were kids and how her parents did nothing to stop it.

We each respond to shame in different ways. We either believe it and hide/withdraw or we try to prove it wrong.

“Shame often leaves us feeling immobilized, or worse, feeling ready to strike out as a way of offloading the pain of disconnection.”3

Brene Brown

Shame and the Heart Triad

All Enneagram Types can experience shame but the Heart Triad’s primary emotional struggle is shame.

Enneagram 2s fear being unwanted. To counter the shame message “I’m not wanted,” they do for others in order to earn acceptance. They use their Feelings Center of Intelligence to read how others are doing and to meet their needs. They often anticipate someone else’s needs before the other person realizes they have a need. By doing this, they secure love and belonging.

Enneagram 3s fear not being enough. To counter the shame message “I’m not enough,” they focus on achieving admiration for their successes. They use their Feelings Center of Intelligence to read if others are happy with them or not. Because shame holds them back, they ignore it and instead focus on what they can do to earn praise. By doing this, they secure a sense of worth.

Enneagram 4s fear being flawed. To counter the shame message “I’m too much and not enough,” they focus on being significant, unique, and authentic. They use their Feelings Center of Intelligence to share their emotions with others in order to receive affirmation. They believe that if they can just express themselves with meaning and significance, they will be known and accepted. By doing this, they secure a sense of identity. The problem is, they rarely feel understood or accepted.

The problem with each of these interactions with shame is that the sense of self for each type is based on what they can do. Type 2s focus on serving others. Type 3s focus on their achievements. Type 4s focus on being significant. As soon as any one of these individuals is unable to perform, the identity they have constructed crumbles and all that is left is shame.

Their greatest fear seems to be confirmed.

In my experience, Enneagram 2s and 3s are the most offended by the Enneagram. I think this is because these two types spend a lot of time trying to cover up their shameful feelings but the Enneagram teaching is fairly straight forward leaving them feeling exposed.

Type 4s typically feel seen by the Enneagram, which is one of their greatest desires, and their response to the Enneagram is usually relief. For the first time they can name the discomfort they carry inside and have been trying to explain to the world. But there is still a lot of work to do to actually dispel the shame as some then feel destined to a life of shame.

How do we cope with shame?

The purpose of the Enneagram is not to further shameful feelings but to provide freedom from it. How? I think psychologist Curt Thompson says it pretty well:

“Self-knowledge leads to self-compassion which leads to a better relationship with the experience of shame.”4

Self-knowledge or self-awareness is the practice of getting to know ourselves from a curious, objective perspective. The Enneagram helps with this because it describes our behaviors and needs without judgment. It is simply true that we each have motivations, emotional struggles, weaknesses, coping mechanisms, etc. If we want to stop a pattern of behavior or learn to regulate an emotion, we must first know ourselves.

To begin to know when we are experiencing shame, we need to be able to identify the signs. How does shame show up in you? What sensations do you feel? Does your stomach drop? Do you feel nauseous? Are your cheeks hot or do your palms sweat? Do you feel like you want to run away and hide? Or maybe you want to start doing more to cover up your feelings.

Once we have identified our shame, we can treat ourselves with self-compassion. Self-compassion looks like speaking to ourselves as we would to a child or a friend. It is seeing shame as part of us that is suffering and just wants to be loved. Speaking to ourselves with compassion looks like:

I’m sorry you’ve been through that, it must have been really hard.

Those feelings are scary.

I know you are doing your best.

What do you need?

They should not have said that to you, it’s okay to cry.

Because the voice of shame is condemning and we are used to heeding its voice, learning to speak to ourselves with compassion at first feels awkward. Be careful to not get into an argument with shame. It is not, “You’re wrong. Lalala! I’m not listening!!!” Speaking to our shame tells ourselves, “I hear that you are struggling and I am here for you.” Self-compassion is learning to show up for ourselves.

My Enneagram 4 client Sherri (name changed for privacy) told me she went to the grocery store one day and immediately noticed shame in her body. She had to get her groceries, there was no avoiding that, and she didn’t know why she was feeling shame, so she spoke to her shame, “I see you. You can be here getting groceries with me. We’ll shop together.” She was surprised to find the sensation of shame slowly dissipated as she walked the aisle of her grocery store.

This is possible for you, too.

You are not alone in experiencing shame. It is nothing to be ashamed of! It is part of being a human. And you can learn to regulate it so you don’t believe everything it says.

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Honestly, this post was really hard to write. Shame has been very present to me the last few weeks after some major set backs that were outside of my control. But “shame” has told me it’s my fault. Finally, here I am, showing up, feeling some imposter syndrome and shame, but thanks to the ways I have learned to name the feeling and accept myself, shame’s more along for the ride instead of driving today.

You can experience that, too.

I believe in you.

Does this resonate? I would love to hear how you cope with shame.

Leave a comment

It makes the world feel heavy.

But another emotion stirs in us: Anger.

There are marches on capitals across the United Staes and in Universities. There are rallies in synagogues and on college campuses.

Protest letters are being written about war and violence and the lack of leadership.

Anger is everywhere.

Anger is valid.

Anger communicates something is wrong.

Anger doesn’t just show up in our bodies because there is something wrong with us. Anger shows up because something has happened that is against us. We know we or others have been wronged. Our boundaries have been crossed. Someone has done something horrible. People are being hurt, victimized, or disrespected.

And yet for many of us, we have received the message it is not okay to be angry.

Verses from Scripture like “In your anger do not sin” (Eph 4:26 NIV) have been used to evoke fear of ever having anger in the first place. But the message is “don’t harm others with your anger.” Not “don’t be angry.”

Anger is a God-given emotion to alert us that injustices are taking place.

Anger is vital for creating a just world. It not only lets us know something is wrong but it gives us the strength we need to do something about it. To give voice to our complaints. To advocate. To change our own lives and the lives of others. To save the oppressed and to protect the weak.

Imagine a world without anger. A world where children are killed and no one is fueled by anger to protect them. A place where those in power oppress the weak and vulnerable with no one holding them accountable. Is that what we want?

No. Of course not. We need anger.

AND anger can hurt.

We can misuse our anger. We can take it out on the wrong person. We can use it to cut someone down. We can hold onto it in resentment or turn it against ourselves. It can become violent and dangerous. It can be the fuel of more injustice. It can separate us from one another so we only see our differences and not the ways we need each other or how we are alike.

We have learned to suppress and hide our anger. To keep quiet or to control our tone. But maybe for you, like me, it keeps showing up. Maybe it is a slow rumble that bursts out like a geyser. Gone as fast as it appears, leaving everyone stunned. At times you feel the anger is in control. Yet you still rant and rage and push everyone away. Or maybe you’ve been taught to moderate it with passive aggressive comments that seem kind but slice like razors, direct in their attack.

Controlling our anger, like any emotion, is not the goal.

Regulating anger is the goal.

I love Dr. Banner/The Hulk because he grows into a person who can utilize the power of his anger for justice. Yes, he starts out as a monster who is either causing harm with anger or stifling it. But eventually he has self-awareness and purpose in his use of his strength and anger.

Developing emotional intelligence and practicing emotional regulation requires us to develop an understanding of our anger. We must notice when we are angry. We must ask why we are angry and name that. But more than asking ourselves questions about our anger - we must first give our anger a voice. Our anger must be heard and it must first be heard by us. If we aren’t even listening to our own anger or acknowledging its presence, how can it be well managed? How can we regulate it?

Giving anger a voice can look like many things:

• Write the truest sentence you can in your journal.

• Grab a pillow and screaming into it as loud as you can.

• Utilize your college tae-bo skills to work the anger through your body. (Ask me how I know.)

• Go on an anger walk with a playlist that reflects your mood and paying attention to your thoughts and feelings.

• Go to a rage room and break a bunch of stuff.

• Gather others to scream in a field together.

• Write a letter to your state representative.

Which exercise sounds best to you?

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These activities not only give anger a voice, they provide a safe, expressive way to get our anger out of our bodies. We can’t just stuff the anger and expect ourselves to not feel it again. It will show up.

Usually after the anger has been expressed another more vulnerable emotion will show up. Sadness. Fear. Shame. Let these speak too. You have the strength.

Sometimes, we realize we were so angry because of these vulnerable feelings. We were protecting ourselves. Or others.

Anger and the Gut Triad

Everyone experiences anger, but there are three Enneagram Types that have a unique relationship with anger: Types 8, 9, and 1.1 These three are in the Gut Triad which is concerned about justice and doing the right thing. It is natural that with doing the right thing as the main motivation for these types, anger is present with them.

Each Gut Triad type expresses their anger in different ways:

Type 8 is the most direct with their anger. Usually Type 8s have no difficulty expressing their anger outward. They are not shy to say what they are thinking or feeling and they experience their anger as passion. If you remember from the Main Motivations post, Type 8s are concerned about not being taken advantage of and they are watching out for more vulnerable people as well. Anger is used as a protective force and those secondary emotions are difficult to uncover.

Type 9 is the most indirect with their anger. They prefer to ignore anger and often don’t realize they have anger. Anger, like conflict and tension, makes them uncomfortable. So instead of even acknowledging their angry feelings, a Type 9 will dismiss it. However, like I said before, anger makes itself known. Sometimes a 9 will find themselves snapping after feeling fine. Other times they are stubborn: even if it seems to other people they are going with the flow, you may find the 9 isn’t in agreement with you after all. Or they may be passive aggressive with their words. Acknowledging that anger isn’t wrong is difficult for 9s but it is also key to their relational growth as they wake up to what they want in the world.

Type 1s internalize their anger: rather than becoming angry with others, they become angry with themselves. If they are angry with others, they judge themselves for it because they think being angry is bad. Then Type 1s quickly transform their anger into another more acceptable emotion. The problem is the original anger was not dealt with and it often turns into resentment of others for not caring or doing as much as they are doing for the good. Anger is a main struggle for 1s so they must consistently ask themselves if they are angry and why in order to honestly move forward.

Are you in the Gut Triad? How does anger show up for you?

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Understanding anger is a large part of my conversations with my clients. It comes up with couples and individuals of all types - especially if they are in the Sexual or One-to-One Subtype. The clients who are able to name why they are angry and are willing to explore their more vulnerable emotions under the anger are the ones who experience the most growth.

If you hear nothing else from this post, I hope you know:

• Anger is normal and important.

• You are not wrong or bad if you have anger.

• Anger provides the energy for change.

• The Gut Triad has a unique relationship with anger.

Stay tuned, next week we will talk about shame (the emotion I know best).

Did you know as a Certified Enneagram Coach with Your Enneagram Coach, you can find me listed as one of their Network Coaches?! Check it out and see my list of services or search for another coach to serve your needs!

These are all signs of anxiety in my physical body.

I recognize my feeling. I name it: Anxiety.

I take a deep breath and slowly exhale. One. Two. Three. Four. Five.

Again. Inhale. Exhale. One. Two. Three. Four. Five.

My hand is on my stomach, the other on my heart. My eyes are closed.

I keep breathing until the tightness releases a little.

I open my eyes. I notice where I am. I focus on something beautiful. An autumn tree, vibrant with color. A favorite painting. A photograph of my son.

“I am safe,” I whisper to myself. “I am strong.”

This is my practice of emotional regulation.

For the majority of my life I didn’t know I could regulate my emotions. As a super big feeler, I have often by overcome or overwhelmed by my feelings. I’ve spent many nights crying or raging, believing that my emotions were bad, something to be expelled or controlled. But I couldn’t control them. And I couldn’t get rid of them. I believed I was at their mercy. I believed I was bad because I had them.

I ignored them and stifled them. I learned not to show them to others. I did my best to keep a tight reign on them. But in private they were all I could see.

The majority of my clients have expressed a desire to learn how to deal with their emotions. Most of them, like me, have learned that their feelings are bad and irrational and therefore need to be silenced. But the emotions always come out.

For some, the emotions erupt like a volcano. Dormant and silent until suddenly something snaps and everyone around is left running for cover.

For others, the emotions eat away at the individual. They are internalized and expressed in self-hatred, low self-confidence, and withdrawing from relationships.

And still for others, the emotions have been numbed to the point that the feeler doesn’t feel anything. Not joy. Not sorrow. Just flat-lining through life. A low-lying, long-term depression.

We have all been surprised and a little unbelieving that there can be a different way. A different way than trying to control and manage and hold ourselves tight to not have these feelings.

In emotional regulation, not having feelings is not the goal.

Noticing them is.

Let me back up. We often have been told we should control ourselves. “Control your feelings.” And that is what leads us to put a lid on them and feel like it is inappropriate to feel anything “too big.” Yet the emotions keep showing up no matter how much we try to silence them. There is an important reason for this.

Emotions are a Center of Intelligence in our bodies. They communicate to us important information about ourselves and the world around us. They tell us if we are in danger (or we at least believe ourselves to be). They let us know when we are safe. Emotions tell us when our boundaries have been crossed or when we should not take another step forward. They also let us know when we are experiencing something good and when we can celebrate.

The Enneagram teaches us that we need to integrate our Emotional Center of Intelligence into our lives in order to be healthy individuals. Controlling and keeping emotions out suppresses our maturity.

Do you remember the Pixar movie, Inside Out? In the movie, we get an inside look at the emotions of the main character Riley. Riley went through a move from Minnesota to California at the beginning of the movie (as a formerly displaced Minnesotan, I immediately empathized). She believes she must keep her chin up and be the family’s happy, smiling girl, and she does her best to hide the other feelings she is experiencing. We see inside her brain as Riley “Joy” is trying to keep “Sadness” from “ruining everything.”

Joy leaves Fear, Anger, and Disgust in charge as she tries to control Sadness. Hilarity and chaos ensues. Ultimately, we discover along with Joy that Sadness is essential. Sadness needs space to be expressed.

What isn’t stated explicitly in the movie is that each emotion is a piece of Riley. When an emotion expresses itself, like an outburst at her parents, Riley is trying to communicate something of herself. Like a cry for help as best as she can because the move across the country has left her wounded.

The same is true for us.

The wounded part that is crying out for help, that part is desperately hoping that you will pay attention to them. That you will take them seriously. That you will listen.

We must learn to notice our emotions because when we do we are noticing ourselves. We must learn to befriend our feelings because we are befriending ourselves.

This means not pushing down your anger or fear or shame but receiving it and reassuring it you are listening.

My practice of emotional regulation I shared above may look like I am simply calming my body to silence my emotions (and I confess, at times that subconsciously is my goal). But what I am doing is in fact paying attention to the scared, vulnerable part of me that wants to act out to be heard. I am tuning in and reassuring her that I am actually safe, not in need of my typical fawning or fighting response that arises in my anxiety.

In practicing emotional regulation, I am not pushing my anxious feeling away but inviting her along to see that at the time there is nothing to be afraid of. And if there is something to be afraid or concerned about, I would also reassure her that I will take care of that as well.

The Enneagram names three main emotions that each type experiences the most: Anger, Shame, and Fear. In the coming weeks, I will explore those three emotions and I invite you to subscribe for free as we learn about these strong emotions together. We will study what they tell us, why we have them, and different practices for regulating these emotions.

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For now, I leave you with this:

If you have big feelings or have been told your emotions are too much, you are not alone. You are not too much. Your feelings are valuable and a gift. They give you insight into the world around you and are so important. Your emotions give you strength, after all it is in vulnerability that we are strong.

May you embrace those parts of yourself you have pushed away for so long.

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Perhaps you don’t want to wait for the coming series on emotional regulation and want to get started now. I understand. I offer Enneagram Coaching as a tool for learning more about yourself so you can practice self-awareness and emotional regulation. Learn more about my one-on-one course, Knowing You here or sign up for a free consultation here.

I love the colors of Fall. The burnt orange, red, and yellow leaves in the mature trees in our neighborhood and the crunch of leaves during walks. I crave the apple bakes and hot cider. I love the brisk morning air and open windows.

I associate Fall with new beginnings. A fresh start covered in beauty and potential. Now that the boys are in school it is a shift for me from parenting full time in the summer days to getting back to my writing, tending my coaching business, and caring for my clients. I am buoyed by the return of routine and ready for the rhythms the school year provides.

But it isn’t such a cheery time of year for every one.

A friend of mine has been expressing her overwhelm as she adjusts to a new work schedule. She may have taken on more than she can handle during this season of her life and may need to cut things out. She frustration that things aren’t going as she had planned and fear about the future.

Many kids are anxious and terrified during the start of the year. My own kids have had years where every day of September was filled with tears and decompressing after a long day of school. The evenings were times for letting go, adjusting to new routines, struggling through.

And I suspect many of us have experienced the mysterious experience of trauma anniversaries with the start of the school year. This year I was overthinking, struggling with insomnia and migraines, incredibly fearful of beginning another school year. Fears that stem back to memories of dropping my boys off for hybrid learning days and wrestling through homework, anxiety, depression, on at home learning days. Days when assignments were missed, overlooked, and an apathy developed towards success because the focus was survival.

We go through many seasons in our lives, the hard part is sometimes discerning which season we are in and which we have left behind.

A tool that helps is what Spiritual Directors call of Seasons of the Soul.1 Each season is characterized by different desires, questions, and goals. We can use our awareness of the season we find ourselves in to focus our attention, practice self-care, or choose a spiritual practice. On another level, we can become aware of how the seasons of our lives affects our sense of self and the level of ease that we can live from our Authentic Self or when we may fall back into old habits.

Spring

Spring is characterized as a time of awakening and hunger for learning. There is an openness for new experiences. We desire to gather information or resources and form new relationships. We may seek education, engage in training for a new skill, or find a coach in our excitement to gather more seeds to be planted in our lives. We ask “Who am I?” “What’s next?”

Utilizing the Enneagram, this Season can be characterized as a time of moving up the Levels of Alignment, sometimes called Levels of Health. As we create space in our lives we grow less attached to our Main Fears or Desires and are more willing to take chances. We begin to understand that our value or security isn’t dependent on old patterns but we are willing to learn new ways of being in the world.

Summer

Summer is a time for flourishing. The seeds of knowledge or training that had been planted are bearing fruit as we thrive and give our lives to others. We experience abundance from the work we tended in the Spring. Our knowledge flourishes to wisdom. We don’t just think but act on what we know. The focus is on others and on pursuing our goals. We ask: “How can I grow?” and “How can I make a difference?”

During a Summer Season, you may notice yourself living from your strengths and developing more skills like patience, authenticity, or perseverance. Though you remain your Enneagram Type, you also exhibit the positive attributes of the Enneagram Type along your growth path. (see image below) We know our True, Authentic Self is found by showing up and doing the work before us, not performing or over-producing, but with grounded humility.

Autumn

Autumn is often characterized as a transitional period. As we see the harvest of all that we have learned and gather the fruits of our labor, we may also sense that it is time to move on. We may experience a time of self-awareness of our strengths and a time of hard work, but with that may be a weariness and a desire to retreat. As we harvest during the Autumn months, wisdom requires tending our gardens, so to speak. Prune branches, cut back what is not bearing fruit. Preparing for the next season (which may or may not be winter), We ask “How do I live well?”

Autumn can be a difficult season. It requires perseverance and maintaining perspective. In this time, we know what it is like to experience health and desire to maintain it but also be struggling with very real stressors. This is a time for self-care in the form of deepening self-awareness through journaling, self-reflection, and solitude. Prayer and meditation are valuable practices during this time.

One can be experiencing a more “average” level of health in an Autumnal season. We may see our Main Motivations attracting our attention or wooing us towards our adapted behavior. We may see ourselves struggling with some of our common weaknesses as expressed in Enneagram teachings. Or notice we are traveling on our Enneagram stress path.

This doesn’t mean we are failing or will never regain the energy of spring and summer. It is a sign that we need to tend to our needs and continue to “bring in the harvest,” noticing all that is still good and beautiful in a wearisome world.

Winter

Winter may be ushered in by a loss or a great change: A move. A death. A job loss. Winter is characterized by melancholy, sadness, and fear. A sense of being “stuck.” We are more aware of our weaknesses than our strengths. We may withdraw to be alone, to cry out to God. We may call this time a Dark Night of the Soul. We may experience depression. We ask “Why?” and “Where or who is God?”

During the winter months, it is difficult to remember the summer sun. In the same way, we may despair that life could ever be good. We forget that we are loved and that we are lovable. We may entirely rely on our work to form our identity or find ourselves reactive in crisis.

I believe the Winter Season is a time for hibernation and intensive self-compassion. Not hibernation to hide or numb, but to care for our emotional, physical, and spiritual needs. To allow others to care for us. To receive the truth that we are human in a fallen world of pain. To receive compassion from others and to allow compassion for ourselves.

This is difficult work. Our ego prefers to insult us, kick us while we are down. All the more reason we need to cultivate a supportive network during other seasons of our lives. Surround ourselves with people who love unconditionally and show up.

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The idea of Seasons of the Soul is a metaphor but identifying the season I am in helps me name if I am capable of doing more and should volunteer for the committee, or if I need to say no, take time for soul-care, cutting out the extra meetings and external responsibilities.

This summer, my kids were home from school for the summer. Since I work from home I didn’t plan any childcare for them. By late June it was clear that they needed more of my time than I had anticipated. I largely cut “externals” from my work. Creative thinking is challenging for me when I am constantly interrupted so I pruned away my writing time. Our schedules were different every week and there wasn’t the daily routine to give me the structure that helps me get things done. It felt like a season of upheaval. I had a fairly full load of clients but could not do the extra work that is required to cultivate new ones.

My summer was more like an Autumnal season. The season I am in, as I would characterize it today, feels like Spring. I have ideas for the future. I am making plans and planting the seeds, cultivating the soil of our lives so that we can see a new garden - or at least a new plant or two - in our lives.

I also appreciate how naming our soul’s seasons gives the awareness that what we are experiencing is a season. It won’t last forever (which is good news if you are in Winter and may be a sore reality check if you are soaring through Summer) and you will get through it.

I mentioned the great anxiety I experienced before school started last week. I felt myself sinking into a sense of dread, thrashing like a wounded animal, reacting with greater emotion than was fitting for the beginning of the school year, until I was able to name what was happening: My body was freaking out because of what going back to school meant three years ago. Back when I was responsible to keep my kids on track for most of a school year. Back when I was newly diagnosed with asthma and the respiratory virus which shall not be named was seemingly everywhere. Back when disinfectant wipes were flying off of shelves and children were going back to school in masks.

My body was acting like those threats were still present.

I reminded myself, we are not in the middle of a scary pandemic. We are not adjusting to learning at home. For the most part, school will be back to normal.

And it was like the story of Jesus calming the sea. I felt myself relax in an instant. It didn’t have to be so hard. It wasn’t guaranteed we would enter Winter immediately. And even if hard things came up, we have more resources and strengths to cope with them.

Woosh. Peace.

What season are you in?

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Do you expect yourself to be in a Summer all the time? Full of energy for working, doing, producing? Or maybe you need to be cutting out some branches that are dead and maybe that routine is no longer serving you? Or are you in Springtime, excited for the new school year? Ready for bouquets of sharpened pencils and empty notebooks to be filled with new ideas? Perhaps things are harder than you anticipated and you need to tend to yourself for awhile.

Whatever season you are in, it is okay. There is a time for everything.

Our behavior and emotions can be bewildering. Navigating even temperate seasons can be exhausting without support.

My Enneagram Coaching course Knowing You is low commitment (only 5 weeks) but yields results including:

• greater courage

• increased self-compassion and patience with others

• capacity for self-forgiveness

• emotional regulation tools

• tons of Enneagram knowledge

I would love to chat with you about your current season. Drop me a message or schedule a consultation call. Let’s chat about your needs.

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At times, I am doing the people-pleasing. I catch myself trying to keep the peace in my home by meeting needs before they are spoken, giving my family what they want, shape-shifting myself to be admirable and likable by friends and strangers. At other times, I am speaking with clients about their own habits. About the ways they avoid speaking their opinions and ideas because it would cause tension in important relationships. About how they have ignored their own needs for so long because having a need would create trouble for someone else.

And last week I was stunned to see Austin Channing Brown quote me from a comment I made on her Substack:

Even reading my own words I know how much I still do my best to please those around me. It is, in fact, how I have stayed safe, acceptable, and okay most of my life. But it is also the way I lose myself.

I was one of seven female students in the Master of Divinity program at Denver Seminary in 2005. Seven of seventy incoming Mdiv students, the rest being male. Over the course of the next four years, at least three of those women switched degree programs or dropped out. There were many times when I would be one of two or three women in a room of men. Most of the time we sat next to one another, stayed together, finding strength in the two of us.

Most of the time the male students in the room ignored us. I made friends with a few men who stayed by my side the entirety of my degree program, but the vast majority were not only indifferent, they did not think I should be pursuing this pastoral program. (The male professors were welcoming and kind though it is unclear how many believe women can lead in the same positions as men.) A few male students were outright blatant in their assertion that women cannot and should not be pastors.1 Most notably, I was told I was selfish for pursuing a career (of any form), but most notably to be a leader.

I thought I could win them over. I knew I was called into pastoral ministry and I thought if I could just put my gifts on display in the classroom they would see and believe that women can be pastors, too. More than that, I thought they would accept me.

I was wrong.

I was wrong but I did not see it at the time. I was able to silence my voice and opinions just enough to not make waves. To be acceptable. When a preaching teacher told me my message was too personal I changed it. When conversations about gender equality in the church came up in the classroom, I stayed silent. When a man complimented my speaking because I didn’t sound like I was trying to be a man, I thanked him (while inwardly I didn’t know what he was talking about).

There was a piece of me that adapted to the patriarchal attitudes of the students at my school for my survival. Would I have died if I had not changed myself? If I had not worked so hard to please others? No. But I was convinced it was what was necessary for my professional survival.

I carried this attitude with me to my first pastoral post where I served for five years. There I was able to preach and teach and flourish in my gifting which were always under suspect at the seminary. But when I spoke on the “hot topic” of mutual submission as outlined in Ephesians 5, I found myself as the target of anger from a coworker who vehemently disagreed with me. And if it wasn’t for the defense of another man, I don’t know if I could have stood up under his disgust. My sense of acceptance, confidence, and safety in that context was shattered.

I believed I still had to win some people over. And the people-pleasing persisted until I completely burned out. Exhausted, I left pastoral ministry.

A few years later, my family and I found ourselves part of a denomination that ordains women but a church that did not. This time, I could not — no, would not dance that dance. I would not bend over backwards to appease the male leadership or earn my way to a position that did not exist. We left and didn’t look back.

We currently attend a church that has a foundational belief in the equality of all genders. It is the first place in twenty years where I feel safe as a Christian leader who is also female. I serve on the board as an elder and I am still getting used to being able to express my thoughts and feelings, my intuition, without being viewed with cynicism.

I am still learning that “keeping them (those in my life who don’t believe women can lead) by staying small doesn’t serve either of us in the long run.”

People-pleasing is a survival strategy that helps us, until it hurts us. It gives us a sense of belonging, safety, connection on a surface level. But it also creates a deep seated insecurity that if we stop pleasing others we will not be okay.

People-pleasing is sometimes referred to as the “fawning” trauma response because it’s so closely associated with overly-appeasing behaviors and cycles of codependency…

Said to be first coined by Pete Walker, M.A., MFT, individuals who respond to trauma with fawning or people-pleasing tend to “seek safety by merging with the wishes, needs and demands of others.”2

We need to be aware of this response before we can change and heal from it.

People-Pleasing and the Enneagram

There are certain Enneagram Types that have been identified as “People-Pleasers” but anyone can develop this response. Here is how People-Pleasing may show up in each Enneagram Type:

Type 1s who are always looking to do the right thing but see their own errors as glaringly obvious may people-please by attempting to be perfect as others have told them they need to be perfect. They will excessively apologize for their mistakes to be seen as good. The Type 2 wing leads them to care for others at the expense of themselves while the Type 9 wing tells them to stay silent to prevent conflict.

Type 2s are often called “Helpers” as they look out for everyone’s needs except their own. People-pleasing can be a deep struggle for 2s because their sense of self is tied up in what they do for others. The Type 1 wing emphasizes the need to be seen as good and the Type 3 wing brings out their desire to be admired. When they are really struggling, they can travel the Type 4 stress path and take on a fantasy ideal of themselves that is uniquely able to care for others. If someone expresses disappointment in them, the people-pleasing behavior increases to regain a sense of self and safety.

Type 3s are able to adapt themselves to the people in a room without even realizing it. “Chameleons,” they intuitively sense what to do and how to present themselves to be admired. People-pleasing in this sense looks less like fawning over someone else (unless the Type 2 wing is “on”) and more like shining themselves up so others will like them.

Chronically struggling with self-doubt, Type 4s may swing from seeking others’ affirmation to pushing people away to be unique and separate. Like 2s and 3s, Type 4s believe their identity comes from what they do and how they are viewed but they wish to be seen as extraordinary, having an impact on others.3 Under stress, Type 4s travel to Type 2 and begin to take care of others’ needs over their own. The Type 3 wing emphasizes that others’ opinions really matters.

Type 5s isolate themselves as a mode of self-protection and are less likely to outwardly people-please. But they dread being seen as incompetent and will avoid asking for help because they don’t want to be seen as a burden to others. In this way they deny their own needs to make others happy with them.

Type 6s distrust themselves. This self-doubt can lead them to overly rely on other people’s and groups’ opinions, beliefs, and feelings. Fearful of being insecure in relationships, they may do what is necessary to secure others’ rapport, including people-pleasing. This can include legalistically following rules, avoiding conflict, and using flattery to their advantage.

Confident and self-referential, Type 7s rarely use people-pleasing unless they are in the Social Subtype. Those who find themselves as Social Sevens serve others before themselves so that they can feel good. They want to be seen as good for the sacrifices they make for others. They may stick it out in hard situations because they are good at reframing the circumstances in their mind and not realize when they are being taken advantage of or mistreated.

Type 8s are also rarely people-pleasers as they value power and a sense of self-autonomy over others’ opinions of them. However, if they have a strong 9-wing, they may find themselves keeping their opinions to themselves to avoid any tension in their relationships. They fear being betrayed by others and may smooth things over to self-protect.

Type 9s are sometimes straight up called “People-Pleasers.” They fear disruption in relationships more than anything and when really struggling will mesh with others to avoid any hint of tension and conflict. Others often walk away from an interaction with a Type 9 believing they have the same opinion while the 9 might disagree completely. 9s do not people-please to gain approval as much as they do to keep the peace and calm they desire.

Seeking Healing

There are a variety of ways one may go about finding healing from the trauma that evokes People-Pleasing. I would first and foremost recommend seeking a trauma therapist (of which I am not) if you find yourself incapacitated by your need to self-protect in this way. Therapy for me has been vital for healing.4

As a trauma-informed Enneagram Coach, I offer these tools:

Seek people and places of safety. People who affirm and accept you no matter what. They may push you towards growth which is uncomfortable but value you. The you that is the most real and authentic. They value your voice, your opinions, your actions, and, most importantly, your needs. If you don’t have one of these in your life you may find one through a therapist or coach.

Identify and care for your needs. This is self-care but so much more than a coffee at your favorite coffee shop. This is getting to know when you are hungry, tired, lonely, or insecure. It is valuing your body and emotions enough to pay attention to them and take care of them, as you would an infant. Responding to the cries that only you hear inside. Some call this re-parenting. I love that image of taking care of myself the way I took care of my babies, swaddling and feeding and loving them.

Grow in Emotional Intelligence and Boundaries. These are huge and most of my clients end up doing this work. This begins by learning to identify, name, and accept your own feelings. Those feelings that evoke you to respond so well to others. Then, we work on learning to hear from and regulate your feelings. How do we listen to ourselves? How to regain a sense of calm? Finally, we act. This may be allowing someone else to feel a feeling or it could be pulling away from someone who has mistreated us. Boundaries are unique to each relationship and person and we need to listen to our emotions to help us determine what is needed.

Finally, I want to suggest EFT Tapping as a tool to help you regulate your own emotions when the urge to people-please strikes. I have been using the app The Tapping Solution for nearly a year and I wish I would have had it sooner as Tapping calms my anxiety, helps me process big emotions, and releases frustration. It sounds woo woo but Tapping “is a somatic body based healing technique which allows you to free yourself from negative thoughts & beliefs.”5 All that to say, don’t knock it until you try it.

Other Resources (in no particular order)

Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself by Kristin Neff

Try Softer: A Fresh Approach to Move Us out of Anxiety, Stress, and Survival Mode--and into a Life of Connection and Joy by Aundi Kolber

The Lord is my Courage: Stepping Through the Shadows of Fear Toward the Voice of Love by KJ Ramsey

Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Drs. Cloud and Townsend

Co-Dependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself: by Melody Beattie

Knowing You: Enneagram Coaching from me. I’m going to be updating my website about what I actually do when I coach since it seriously needs it. But you can find basic info here.

Some links in this post are affiliate links which give me pennies to support my work. Thank you!

It is easier to believe something negative about ourselves than something positive because it confirms what we already thought. And what we thought multiple times, every day.

Years ago, I listened to a popular Typology podcast episode where Ian Cron spoke with Ryan Stevenson (an Enneagram 4) about his life story. While discussing his narrative and the messages this Type 4 absorbed in his life, Ian asked him a question.

“What if it’s not true?”

What if the story you are telling yourself about you, about your life, about what people think about you, about how people feel about you… what if it’s not true?

Just because you think a thought or feel it is true doesn't make it true.

The concept blew my mind.

I was spending the weekend with my parents when I heard this new message and I decided to ask my parents if I was hearing the truth (with fear and trembling). I considered the thoughts in my mind:

“They don’t want me here.”

“I’m taking up space.”

“I interrupted.”

Guess what? None of my thoughts were true. They were happy to spend time with me, their eldest daughter. Just the 3 of us. It was an incredibly vulnerable and emotional moment of receiving love and acceptance from my parents.

In coaching, I encourage my clients to challenge the inner messages they hear. These messages are negative, on repeat, and leave us stuck in unwanted patterns.

We identify the negative message your Enneagram Type plays on repeat, meet it with compassion, and work on replacing it.

And I promise, no matter the darkest, shaming message you have on repeat, there is no shame here. You are not the first one to have that thought. It doesn’t make you a terrible person.

I am still on this journey myself, offering myself compassion and grace for believing I am inherently flawed and embracing myself with love. Just last night I had to remind myself I am not just taking up space. Discovering we each matter, we are each lovable, we each belong is a journey, no matter what step you are on. But as I continue to let go of that Enneagram 4 narrative, I continue to discover the person God created me to be.

What message do you want to let go of?

What story are you telling yourself?

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Do you think it is directly related to your Enneagram Type?

The answer seems obvious, Bartimaeus wants to be able to see. So Jesus heals him.

And that’s the end of the story.

I have heard this story preached a variety of ways with different emphasis on different pieces of the story. On how audacious Bartimaeus is to call out to Jesus. On the townspeople who tell Bartimaeus to be quiet. On how Jesus is so polite he doesn’t just push his way in and heal without checking first. (This must be the Minnesota version of the story.)

But what strikes me is that Jesus even asks the question at all. It seems obvious a blind man would want to be healed of his blindness when he has heard that Jesus has done this for other people.

So why did he ask?

When I begin meeting with a new client, one of the first questions I ask them is “What do you want?” Or “What do you hope to get out of these sessions?”

I am often surprised that people can’t answer that question.

I mean, they answer. But the answer is often in the negative: I want to stop being the way that I am. I want to stop struggling with anxiety or shame. I want to stop fighting with my spouse.

People usually answer “What do you want?” with what they don’t want.

If I push for what they do want, many times they don’t know.

And I get it. The first time I answered the same question I said I wanted to not be anxious. I wanted to stop feeling terrified of screwing up in front of people. I wanted to not be afraid of the future. But I didn’t have much of a vision of what that could look like. I didn’t know what I want is to be secure, confident, and safe. I didn’t know I could name those things.

Relational Styles

Different Enneagram Types struggle to name their wants and needs for different reasons. We have each learned that our wants and needs either do or do not matter. We have learned others will or will not care about what we want. And we each have a lens through which we interpret the world that tells us whether or not we can even have needs.

As I’ve mentioned before, there are a variety of triads in the Enneagram. We can group each of the 9 types into groups of 3 in a variety of ways. One of those ways is called the Relational Styles (depicted in the image below). The Relational Styles, according to Enneagram Coach Beth McCord, describe “How first relationships in life form the expectations of each Type’s adult relationships.” And specifically how we expect our needs to be met.

Types 2, 5, and 8 are in the Rejection Triad. This group feels that their needs have been rejected by others so they reject their own needs as well. Whenever I ask someone in this group, “What do you need?” They often cannot tell me. They have gotten so used to looking past their own wants to the wants and needs of others that they don’t see themselves. They offer their care (Type 2s), their knowledge (type 5s), and their strength (Type 8s), denying their own emotional and physical needs. Often I need to convince these types that they have needs, just like everyone else.

But what broke my heard the most was when a Type 5 told me that it’s a nice thought that others would care about their needs, since that was not their experience in life.

Friend, if you are in this Triad, I am sorry others have not met or seen your needs. I’m sorry you experienced times of need and want. You have given so much to others. Let me tell you the truth: Your needs matter. Full stop. I hope your needs will be met, your wishes will be honored, even today.

Types 3, 6, and 9 are in the Attachment Triad. These types adapt themselves to those around them. Through their skills of intuition and observation, these types notice what their people care about and they adapt their own wishes to conform to the other. This could be the family, the church, the school, their significant other, anyone or anywhere they are seeking acceptance.

As a result, this type doesn’t know what they like, what they want, what they think. They replace knowing themselves with being seen as acceptable to those around them. They fear if they do identify their own wishes they will be bad or unacceptable. So they continue to silence that part of them.

If this is you, I’m sorry you were not affirmed in your original interests, ideas, thoughts, and dreams. I’m sorry it was unsafe for you to speak up as your True Self. I’m sorry you were told, explicitly or implicitly, that your wants are less important. That you had to conform. I hope you can discover your Authentic Self.

Types 1, 4, and 7 are in the Frustration Triad. These types have high ideals for the world and consistently feel frustrated when their needs are not met to their standards. However, they also are disappointed with what they want when they do get it because it does not live up to what they had imagined. These types chase the fantasy of the ideal to meet their needs but the ideal is never real. They can’t name what they actually need, serenity, because they deny that it will be enough.

This group is one of the more complex when it comes to naming needs. They think they are naming them. They think they are pursuing something better. Trust me, I know, I am in this triad. But the reality is this group can never recognize when their needs are met or when they get what they wanted. So they are constantly chasing a nebulous ideal that is also changing as they go. They also chase after their ideal self leading to a sense of internal shame as they let themselves down.

Friend, if this is you, I’m sorry you are so frustrated and disappointed. I know it is painful. And as much as it is annoying to accept it, I invite you to see what you already have. See what is already good, fun, and fulfilling in your life. Embrace the needs that have been met. In this way your lens of frustration can shift to one of gratitude and contentment. Which is what we are pursuing anyway.

I don’t know why Jesus asked Bartimaeus what he wanted. Not really. But what I do know is that he cared enough to ask. Others did shun Bartimaeus for speaking up for his needs.

Your wants and needs matter.

Whatever Enneagram Type you are, I want you to know this and to accept it. You are not too needy for having needs and wants.

I think one of the reasons we as a society struggle with self-care is because we have not learned to accept that we have wants and needs. That could be an entirely different post for another day, but I wonder, does your denial of your needs get in the way of you taking care of yourself?

What do you want? What do you need? Today. They could be different. They both matter.

I invite you to name it.

I invite you to pursue it.

Live it.

Receive it.

Go.

Summer is a great time for many to pursue coaching for the first time. Let’s name your desires together!

Set up your free consultation, today.

The last few weeks have been packed. I don’t know about you but we have had multiple school events, projects, lots of catching up on late assignments, trying to finish the school year strong. My kids finished elementary school and middle school and emotions have been running high. (And not just mine.)

It’s been really interesting to watch how different members of our family process all of this.

I, an Enneagram 4, have been… well… all over the place. Some days I am optimistic and ready to face the day, others it takes me a few hours to get my to do list started. Some times I am excited for my kids’ to move on to the next stage of their education and others I want them to stay little forever. (They are both nearly the same height as me.) I find myself stuck in my head and heart a lot. We have a family wedding this next week and all of the to-dos are colliding together. I struggle to know I can do all the things. Sometimes I do nothing and sit in my feelings.

I keep telling this part of me that is overwhelmed that it is okay to be disappointed. It is okay to struggle with getting things done. Productivity and coordinating schedules/to-dos is not my strength. And we are processing a lot as a family right now. I tend to find myself at these times being a therapist and counselor to my kids more than a family coordinator. I’m doing my best but I know some plates will be dropped this week. And that’s okay.

My husband, Tim, is an Enneagram 9 and wants things to stay cool. Ultimately, his ability to help me regulate my Enneagram 4 emotions has been such a gift. But when he is surrounded by noise and emotion and busy-ness (especially when it collides with his own busy) his feelings do come out. This past week he has been more busy with work than ever but took the time to help our son design the most epic Kirby for the class egg-drop.

Kirby will live in our house forever.

At times, Tim and I have struggled to figure out how to parent together, because our approach to parenting is so different. I bring passion and he brings peace. You can see how these might collide. But as a 9 and a 4, we both value those important times together as a family. He shows up for our kids, he supports them with greater patience than I have, he has been a rock these past few weeks. I’m grateful.

Our eldest son is most likely an Enneagram 7. He recently said he thinks about all the problems of the future with optimism which is probably the most Type 7 statement I have ever heard. He is thrilled summer is here. He lives for summer. It could not have come fast enough. All the free time. All the choices. All the time. But he especially wants to swim this summer and we are trying to figure out how to get as much pool time in as possible.

His change in school has not phased him at all. Sometimes he feels anxious but he doesn’t dwell on it. If anything, he seems to believe it will work out and looks forward to the next thing. He had this attitude through the school year. I was constantly having to incentivize his school work. I’m grateful for this summer break just as much as he is.

Our younger son is almost certainly an Enneagram 1. The transition of the end of the school year has sent him straight to the Enneagram 4 and there have been a lot of feelings this week. He had the most amazing group of teachers around him this year and the year before. He was thriving in Elementary School. And let’s face it, the switch the Middle School is hard. I’m not saying that to him, he gets it all on his own.

But the stress of the change didn’t stop him and his Enneagram 9w1 dad from working for hours on that egg-drop Kirby. Did I mention the egg didn’t break? When I expressed surprise, my son just looked at me, dead pan: “Of course it didn’t.” Yep. He did it right.

Ultimately, with a big week like this, each of our needs are different. One needs togetherness (Type 1). One needs encouragement (Type 4). One needs alone time (Type 9). And another needs freedom (Type 7). To assume that we are all ready to jump into a summer full of activities would create a lot of disappointment for whoever would plan that (believe me, I’ve experienced it).

I share our family’s experience through the lens of the Enneagram because your family may look different. You may have a majority of Assertive Types in your family resulting in huge end of the year parties, thriving on a packed schedule. Your kids may be joyful at the end of the school year, not looking back. You may be sobbing at elementary or kindergarten graduation (neither Tim nor I cried).

Not one of these is wrong or right. We are not such opposites. We are simply different. 9 Types of different.

Here is what I hope for you and each of us:

I want us to we get what we need.

I want us to learn to identify when we have had too much or not enough.

I want us to recognize our stress levels, our emotions, our thoughts, so we can regulate all of them before they become too much.

I want us to know how to know what we need.

I want us to know how to get those needs met.

Friends, this is not what I thought I would write this week. But this is what I needed. A little story telling. A little bit of fun. And a little bit of sharing with you what my life has been.

I would love to hear from you: what has the end of the year been like for your family? What do you need today?

Leave a comment

I hope you find it.

Thank you for reading.

And happy summer.

Leah

Find my Free Enneagram Test Here

Schedule a Free Enneagram Coaching Consultation Here

I want to spend more time with each of the Triads and their primary Center of Intelligence which we discussed last week. So, let’s begin with the Heart Triad.

Our Culture and Emotions

The culture in the USA, where I live, primarily values the Head and the Gut - or our the Thinking and Doing Centers of Intelligence. We must be productive and successful members of society which is measured in the amount we get done and the money coming in. We should think rationally through our problems and not allow emotions to get in the way. “I don’t have feelings,” says one of my clients on a regular basis. “Feelings are irrational.”

This is the message many of us with big feelings have experienced our entire lives. Shut them down, silence them, take them away to a private place where you won’t interrupt the rest of us.

“America prioritizes happiness so much,” writes Susan Cain in her book Bittersweet, “that we wrote the pursuit of it in our founding documents… We’re taught from a very young age to scorn our own tears (‘Crybaby’), then to censure our sorrow for the rest of our lives.”

Most people can only name three emotions: glad, sad, and mad. Usually my clients have a negative association with certain feelings and believe they should not experience them. Ever.

Meanwhile, the Enneagram types in the Heart Triad are primarily receiving input from the world based on the emotions of others and themselves. They do this to manage their sense of self in relation to other people. Their need and place of wounding is their identity and they struggle with feelings of shame.

Here’s what this looks like for each Heart Triad Type:

The Heart Triad

Center of Intelligence: Feelings

Main Need: Sense of Identity

Emotional Struggle: Shame

Type 2: Focuses on Others' Feelings

Type 2s try to control their shame by earning love through caring for others. They are very good at identifying others' feelings and needs and meeting their needs. Type 2s desire to be acknowledged and appreciated for what they do for others to feel less shame.

Unfortunately 2s are often asleep to their own feelings and are focused on acting for others (gut). They can get stuck in obsessing (thinking) over other people's problems.

When healthy, Type 2s are unconditionally loving and caring people. They have compassion, empathy, and are very warm, nurturing people.

When Type 2s accept their own needs and take care of themselves or ask for help, they offer themselves the compassion they freely give to others. They are also free to express their feelings to others knowing that no feeling is wrong or shameful.

Healthy Type 2s know that they are loved and lovable apart from what they do for others.

Type 3: Reads Feelings then Ignores them

Type 3s believe that to be acceptable they need to be the best. They ignore their own feelings focused instead on becoming admirable and successful to others by reading their feelings. Type 3s typically reach that goal!

Type 3s struggle to separate who they are from what they do. They are driven, sometimes workaholics avoiding their feelings in order to become what they believe others want them to be.

Type 3s cope with conflict and problems with logic (thinking) and action (gut).

When healthy, Type 3s recognize they are valuable apart from what they do. They know their work and success does not define them.

Healthy Type 3s work hard for the joy of the work and in order to help others. They know they are lovable and accepted for themselves and can look to the good of the group. Healthy Type 3s can also learn to identify their own feelings and to listen to the feelings of others. They can empathize and truly make a difference in the world.

Type 4: Focuses on their Own Feelings

Type 4s are the deepest feelers of the Enneagram Types. They process their feelings at a deeper level and for longer because they believe they can find themselves in their feelings.

Type 4s struggle with shame, believing that they are missing or are more flawed than everyone else. They try to overcompensate for this by being unique or special.

They also can get lost in their thinking and imagination revolving around their feelings, but they struggle to act (gut) on their desires. (Most Type 4s come to me for coaching when they feel stuck in their lives due to this lack of gut action.)

When healthy, Type 4s recognize that they have been given the same tools as any other Enneagram Type and learn to question their feelings of shame. They embrace all feelings as part of an authentic life, not just the melancholy feelings.

Healthy Type 4s learn to take disciplined, action steps towards achieving their goals despite how they may be feeling. They are inspirational, creative, authentic, and sensitive individuals who look to the needs of others, not only themselves. Healthy Type 4s know they are not more flawed than everyone else but are enough as they are.

Reflection Time

So much more could be said for each of these Enneagram Types. I would love to go deeper and in coaching I can. But for now:

If you know or love a member of the Heart Triad, what would you want them to know? What would you say to them?

If you are in the Heart Triad, what do you wish people understood about your experiences with shame, identity, or emotions? What rings true in the descriptions above? What doesn’t?

Leave a comment

Getting Unstuck

Did you catch my note above about clients coming to me feeling stuck in their feelings?

The first thing must-do if you want to stop feeling stuck in your own life is to treat yourself with self-compassion.

I discovered this when I was experiencing Imposter Syndrome in my career and, frankly, my life. I didn’t know how to move forward when my friend Aundi recommended Kristin Neff’s book Self-Compassion. Neff helped me see how most of the time the tone I was using to speak to myself was harsh, shameful, and demeaning. I saw how that tone kept me from moving forward in my career, relationships, and self-confidence. Even reading about the Enneagram was painful because I berated myself for every weakness and mistake.

And once I understood that I was able to take a step toward changing it.

So, give yourself the gift of stopping and observing the tone of your voice when you speak to yourself.

You’ll uncover something that will help you move one step closer toward living in freedom as your authentic self.

And, if you want to share what you uncovered, hit reply and tell me! I love to see your progress!

Leave a comment

Schedule your free Coaching Consultation Call. It is

1. Free: Never a fee for this 30 minute call

2. Informative: Get your Questions about Enneagram coaching answered

3. Fun: Get to know me in a light hearted environment

I look forward to hearing from you!

Leah

Last month, Beth and Jeff McCord of Your Enneagram Coach interviewed me and two other YEC coaches who are in The Heart Triad (I represented 4s).

Let me tell you, I knew the interview was going to be about emotions. I was prepared to talk about all sorts of things related to the Heart Triad. Somehow I wasn’t exactly prepared for the questions they asked me and I was feeling a lot of things. The intro alone for Type 4s made me feel seen in a new way.

So if you are a Type 2, Type 3, or Type 4 (or love someone who is), I recommend giving this episode a listen.

And then come back and let me know what you think. Or feel. Especially what you feel.

Here are some popular places to listen (or listen wherever you listen to podcasts):

Listen on apple

Listen on Google

Listen on Spotify

Watch on YouTube

Leave a comment

p.s. I often have Type 4s and Type 2s come to me for coaching because they want someone similar to them. If you’re looking for someone who “gets it” when it comes to feeling so many feelings, let’s chat. I offer free consultations all the time.

We were both night owls.

We were surprised when our MBTI results were nearly identical:

Tim: INFP

Me: INFJ

Our main difference: the J and P which stand for Judging and Perceiving. Judging refers to our preference for structure and timeliness. Perceiving refers to our preference for flexibility.^⁠1 Essentially, our main difference lies in how we live in the world.

And THAT is a significant difference.

I live by the clock, he lives by intuition.

I want to know what is happening next, he waits to see.

I have strong preferences, he will go with “whatever.”

For Tim, taking the test was eye opening because for the first time he saw that we are not all meant to be the same. He struggled to see why people didn’t do things the way he did. Though he has that laid back Perceiving piece of him, he also has a perfectionism streak. He sees what is wrong. In Enneagram terms, his personality is Type 9 with a very strong 1 wing. He does what he does very well and expects others to achieve the same level of perfectionism.

For example: Tim’s best friend once watched him tie his shoes and said it was so satisfying to see how he moved each lace with intentionality and precision. The end result being each lace in place, with perfect lengths, tightness, and form.

Tim found freedom in seeing not everyone should tie their shoes like he does. That not everyone sees the world the same way he does. And it’s not his responsibility to make them do that.

Suzanne Stabile and others teach the Enneagram is the lens through which we interpret and live in the world. Everyone sees the world in their unique way. We focus on different things (and have different blind spots as well). This shows up in a variety of ways when we discuss the Enneagram. It shows up in our childhood messages, in the ways we approach relationships, in how we approach conflict, in our unique goals, and more.

Understanding our Enneagram lens is the first step towards understanding ourselves and one another.

Thankfully, the Enneagram makes it easy with Enneagram Triads. There are a variety of triads we can discuss in relation to the Enneagram, but typically when someone mentions Enneagram Triads they are referring to the different Centers of Intelligence: Doing Intelligence, Feeling, or Thinking.

The Gut Triad utilizes the Doing Center of Intelligence (Types 8, 9, and 1). These types are primarily observing and focusing on doing the right thing.

The Heart Triad utilizes the Feeling Center of Intelligence (Types 2, 3, and 4). These types are primarily observing and appealing to the emotions of others or themselves.

The Head Triad utilizes the Thinking Center of Intelligence (Types 5, 6, and 7). These types are primarily observing and synthesizing facts.

What we do, what we or others feel, and what we think. These three Centers of our being influence our daily lives. And they distinguish ourselves from others in our different ways of approaching the world.

We each have access to all three of these Centers but we each use one primarily. This cannot be underemphasized. We each primarily take in information about the world and live in the world through our primary Center of Intelligence. And most likely, we live in the world from a different Center than those around us.

As we consider our similarities and differences, our acceptance of others (or even ourselves), I wonder…

Do we accept and value all three Centers?

If we value getting things done, we may become irritated with those who stop and make sure they have all the data before proceeding. If we value feelings, we might feel blown over by those who are push through. And if we value thinking, we might have no space for people with big feelings in our lives.

How often have we heard people complain that someone is slow? Or emotional? Or bulldozes others? These actions and behaviors we notice in others begin with the Center of Intelligence that person is utilizing in order to achieve their Main Motivation (as we discussed here).

The truth is, when we ignore or disdain a Center of Intelligence, we are not only looking down on others, we are looking down on a piece of ourselves.

I want to spend some more time in the Centers of Intelligence over the coming weeks. We cannot downplay their importance or how they influence our lives. Our work. Our relationships. Our mental health. It’s all there. If you’re not Subscribed already, please join us. I hope it will be insightful and even fun.

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Reflection Questions

Which Center are you living from today?

How does your primary Center of Intelligence influence your work? Your relationships? Your mental health?

How does it help you?

What do you need?

Drop an answer in the comments. I would love to hear from you.

Leave a comment

So often I feel we are scratching the surface when it comes to these Substack discussions. If you are longing for more in depth discussions around your Enneagram Type and what you need (one of the most difficult things to name, am I right?) let’s set up a connection call to see if Enneagram Coaching is right for you. Just schedule a time that works for you on my calendar here and we will chat over zoom. It’s that easy.

Want to take a free Enneagram test? I have one here!

¹ https://www.myersbriggs.org/my-mbti-personality-type/mbti-basics/judging-or-perceiving.htm?bhcp=1

Sometimes these things all help and my symptoms are well managed.

Sometimes I will experience the symptoms for 2 weeks.

Sometimes I am angry and discouraged and want to withdraw from the world.

Sometimes I feel good and marvel that this is what existence is like for most people most the time.

Sometimes my body is exhausted and I could sleep for days.

Every time I am reminded that I am human.

And I don’t like it.

It is my experience that our culture doesn’t want us to show our humanity. Emotions are considered weak. Illness must be hidden away. Old age should be covered up. Death must never be witnessed.

So when these unwelcome experiences come knocking and we are unable to show them back out the door, we find ourselves ill-equipped to handle our new housemates. But I wonder, is there another way? After all, age, illness, pain, these all tend to come for all of us.

Uncommon Comfort

Lent wrapped up a few Sundays ago and I had a couple of rough months through that season. I didn’t have the words or energy to form any thoughts around Lent. The chronic migraines have been a season of Lent in itself. A season of loss of normal function and concern about my capacity as I grow older.

I haven’t been able to bear fasting during this time when I feel I need to fast from socializing, working, and sometimes even parenting in order to tend to my physical needs.

But the words of Lent were a comfort to me.

In the story of creation, God formed humans from the dirt and one day to the dirt we will return. Or, “Earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust” as the Book of Common Prayer reminds us at funeral services.

If you went to an Ash Wednesday service, your priest or pastor may have blessed you with ashes on your forehead with the words, “Remember that you are dust and to dust you shall return.”

Psalm 103:14 reminds us:

For he knows how we were made;
    he remembers that we are dust.1

The reminders of our mortality in Lent go against our culture’s emphasis on beauty, success, and youth.

The reminder that God remembers I am dust is a comfort to me.

God doesn’t expect us to be greater than we are or extraordinary. The Divine knows we are human. We are the ones expecting ourselves to rise above it all.

God knows, we are limited.

God knows, we are not meant to be gods.

God knows, we have pain and illness and one day we will die.

Because the Divine knows, I know I am not alone in this.

I have been sitting at the feet of teachers who have suffered from chronic pain longer and, dare I say, harder than mine.2 Those with cancer and autoimmune diseases. Those seriously injured in accidents and who have undergone multiple surgeries. Those who were given mere months to live. You know what I have learned from them?

Our humanity is a gift.

In embracing our humanity: our bodies, our tears, our imperfections, our limitations, we are set free.

We are free to be our true selves. Not the best. Not the most. Not the greatest. Not perfect.

Simply us.

I believe God desires us to surrender our mad attempts at striving and trying to be and do all the things we think we must.

I think of Jesus who said we are tired and weary from all of the expectations placed on us by those in power but that he came to give rest.

I am encouraged that Jesus knew we would have trouble in this world.

Yet I struggle to trust that I will be okay with my human limitations.

The demands of our gas bill, our medical bills, our insurance… the kids’ need for shoes (again) and new pants (again) and the dentist (again) - all of these tell me I need to work harder.

The expectations of our supervisors and even society of what a functioning adult should look like looks very different from what I think my body is capable of doing right now.

A 40 hour work week is the norm. Many work more hours. The expectation is that parents work, volunteer, raise kind children, keep a clean home, serve homemade meals, and in general go non-stop, sun up to sun down.

If this is what “adulting” is like in the world, it all seems like God must expect and demand as much from me, too.

But when I am in bed (again) with an ice pack on my neck, unable to remember words or bare the sunlight because the migraine has attack my nervous system, I am reminded by grace alone that I am Beloved and whole even in the midst of my humanity. Even with this human body.

I am learning a new way of being, a new kind of life.

I am learning God is the God of all compassion and the Father of all comfort. (2 Corinthians 1:3)

I am reminded that Jesus knows pain, that Jesus wept, that Jesus was hungry, took naps, mourned an imperfect world, got tired of crowds, and had great compassion for those who were sick.

I learn over and over again I don’t have to pull myself up by my bootstraps and prove my worth.

Through practicing the presence of the Divine whether I am in the middle of ordinary day to day life or in the pain of a flair up, I experience I am never alone.

And as I reread this article, I see my back and forth, up and down thoughts and feelings. I see how I move from frustration to hope to frustration to hope to frustration to… I wonder if I should edit it to make it flow. Polish it up.

But this is my experience of life. Frustration to hope and back again.

Rarely polished. Often a mess.

Wherever you are on that continuum, I get it.

You aren’t alone either.

You are human.

Just as you were intended to be.

Affirmations of your Humanity by Enneagram Type

Type 1: You are perfectly imperfect.

Type 2: Your needs are okay.

Type 3: Your failures don’t define you.

Type 4: You are not more flawed than anyone else.3

Type 5: You don’t have to know it all.

Type 6: You have what you need.

Type 7: You don’t need to outrun your problems.

Type 8: Your vulnerability is a strength.

Type 9: You were created on purpose.

Here’s an affirmation for all of us: You don’t have to do it alone.

Does your affirmation resonate? What might make it difficult to believe?

Leave a comment

Stepping into these affirmations is tricky. It’s hard to believe them much less live from them. I have 3 or 4 openings for Enneagram Coaching going into the summer. Set up a free consultation and we can chat about how I can walk with you towards your True Self.

I have been working really hard on this week’s Substack and I’m so excited it is ready to share with you!

In the past, I have offered my Enneagram webinar, Knowing You, for people who register for a live event. But I wanted to offer it for people to listen to whenever they want, without having to register or find time in their schedules. I wanted it to be a resource people can turn to or share with others.

Today I have for you, my Substack Subscribers, a video presentation of Knowing You! It is odd, I admit, to record by myself in my office (I found it difficult, for example, to keep up my energy) but I like to imagine you listening along. I hope to offer more of these in the future but it might look a little different… I’m still working out the details.

Here is what you can expect:

• Introduction to the Enneagram

• Characteristics and Main Motivations of all 9 Enneagram Types

• Fun Examples from Movies and Celebrities for each Type

• Tips for what to do with all of this information

• Info on your free coaching consultation and coaching

If you watched Knowing You, here are the promised links:

Free Enneagram Assessment

Free Coaching Consultation

I hope this webinar is helpful to you. I love speaking and teaching about the Enneagram whether that is for a workshop, a webinar, or a client one one one and I hope to do more in person events in the future.

Please comment with any thoughts or questions you have! If you prefer email, you can send one to leah@leaheverson.com. I look forward to hearing from you!

Leave a comment

How are you? Is winter over where you live? Last night I heard an owl hooting right after a thunderstorm and for the first time in a long time, nature in Minnesota made my heart sing.

Before we dive in, I just wanted to say I’m so grateful you are here. This Substack has been an idea in my mind for a very very long time. Below I share about each of the motivations of the Enneagram and let me tell you, my Enneagram 4 fears were activated before I started Compassionate Enneagram to the point that I couldn’t even sit down to write.

So far none of them have come to pass. No one has told me I am inadequate or a failure at this. I have not been rejected by my friends. I have even posted something I felt was pretty unoriginal. And if anyone has unsubscribed, I have survived.

And you know what? You can find freedom from your fears, too.

Motivations: Why we do what we do

A few weeks ago, I talked a lot about our need for compassion when we discuss the Enneagram because we must be kind to those who are suffering.

“But we are only talking about the Enneagram,” you may have thought. “What suffering are you talking about?” I’m so glad you asked.

While many personality tools are helpful the Enneagram is the only personality tool to focus on our motivations. Other tools focus on what we do but the Enneagram gets to the root of why we do it.

Why we do what we do is largely to avoid something we fear. Such as being unlovable, being out of control, or being without support. What we do in order to avoid these things are usually to get the things we desire instead. Like being seen as good, achieving success, finding our place or roll in a group, or simply feeling good. These things, what we avoid and what we desire, are called our motivations.

If you don’t know your Enneagram Type or an Enneagram test still left you uncertain, the Main Motivations of each type can help you determine your type.

For example, not only do I want to have a great Substack (which may appear to be an Enneagram 3 or even an Enneagram 1 motivation), I want it to be original, unique, and compelling (all complete Enneagram 4 motivations that I am slightly embarrassed to share with you).

Not only this but knowing the motivations can help you understand others. Have you ever wondered why someone else is doing what they are doing? It is helpful to understand that their goal is probably different from your own.

Make sense? I hope so, because here are:

The Main Motivations for each Enneagram Type

Enneagram Type 1 Main Motivations

•Main Fear: To be wrong, bad, imperfect. To be unredeemable.

•Main Desire: To be good. To be right. To have integrity.

Enneagram Type 2 Main Motivations

•Main Fear: To be rejected, unwanted, or not good enough. To be thought unworthy of love.

•Main Desire: To be loved and wanted. To be appreciated.

Enneagram Type 3 Main Motivations

•Main Fear: To be seen as unsuccessful. Failure. To be inefficient or incompetent.

•Main Desire: To be admired, valued, and respected. To win and have high status.

Enneagram Type 4 Main Motivations

•Main Fear: To be insignificant, seen as inadequate or flawed. To be caught in the plain and mundane. To be emotionally cut off.

•Main Desire: To be known. To have significance. To be original.

Enneagram Type 5 Main Motivations

•Main Fear: To be perceived as incompetent or a problem, needy. To be invaded upon or having energy demanded of them.

•Main Desire: To be knowledgeable and capable, competent and self-sufficient.

Enneagram Type 6 Main Motivations

•Main Fear: To be without support and security. To be alone. Bad things happening in the future. The worst-case scenario.

•Main Desire: To be safe, secure, and supported

Enneagram Type 7 Main Motivations

•Main Fear: Fear of pain. To be deprived or bored.

•Main Desire: To be fully satisfied, happy

Enneagram Type 8 Main Motivations

•Main Fear: To be weak or vulnerable. To be without protection. To be betrayed, controlled or manipulated.

•Main Desire: To protect themselves and those closest to them

Enneagram Type 9 Main Motivations

•Main Fear: To lose connection with loved ones. To be in conflict/tension. To be overlooked.

•Main Desire: To be at peace internally.

I would love to hear your thoughts. What type are you? What stands out to you about your motivations listed above? What is most difficult about these motivations?

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Now What?

“That’s great, Leah,” you may say. “But now what?”

Good question. Now I invite you to Be Curious.

Ask yourself:

Has this worked in your life? How has it worked? Is it still working?

What’s at risk if you stop following these motivations? What’s at risk if you keep on the same way?

Chances are following these motivations have served you and kept you safe. They have won you approval, affirmation, control over your life, or security. And for that we can be grateful.

But often times they stop working. They begin to cause problems like anxiety or depression. Relational stress or conflict.

I believe being aware of our motivations can help us identify the stressors in our interior lives so that we can make choices and even change some beliefs about ourselves towards healing.

For example: what if I don’t have to be unique and original all the time? As an Enneagram 4, that question invites me into so much freedom.

What if you don’t have to pursue ( fill in your Main Desire )?

If you are fine and happy with how things are, great! But if you are interested in more… stick around. We will keep exploring these ideas.

Next week I’m going to share something a little different to expand on this topic. I’m looking forward to it and hope you join me!

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Enneagram Coaching

I currently have 3 openings in my one-on-one Enneagram coaching. If you are interested in learning more or have questions drop a note or else you can schedule a free coaching consultation at any time.

"I chose Leah as my coach because she is real and authentic.  She gives me space to process and brings  unique insight to my thoughts, feelings & experiences.  With her help, I have experienced a ton of growth both personally and in my closest relationships."  #teamleah 

-Sally

“I just don’t believe God loves me.”

“I know it in my head but it is so hard to believe it.”

“I don’t feel loved by God.”

“I don’t think I am good enough for God.”

“God must be disappointed in me.”

These are just a few of the statements I have heard from my clients as it relates to their faith and their sense of self. The majority of them were brought up in Evangelical American churches that stressed obedience, the worthlessness of each of us humans, and our overall indebtedness to God for not destroying us.

Each of the people who said this have a hard time believing they are lovable or named Beloved by God because their faults and sinfulness was the first and last thing stressed in their faith traditions.

I am no different. After sitting through a day long conference on the torture Jesus went through on the cross, my 16 year old self was told I was the one who tortured Christ. I was the reason Jesus died. And for years I strove to not heap pain on Jesus by trying to be good enough.

Grace? Complete forgiveness? Freedom? These messages were foreign, scary, and confusing.

“If I believe I am fully forgiven and free, where does the freedom end? At one point will I go too far and sin too much and be…” my client trails off.

We are each so afraid that God’s grace isn’t real and isn’t enough and it is no wonder. Cancel culture, for many of us, started decades ago when our churches and families shunned siblings, cousins, aunts or uncles who stepped out of line. We saw our families boycott Disney or not let us play with children from different religions or races.

We worry if we love the “wrong” person, if we parent our kids our own way, if we believe something different from what we were brought up to believe, we will be unacceptable.

The deconstruction movement for many is an attempt to discover: am I really as unloved as I believe?

Fundamentalist teaching has named us as unworthy of love.

God names us who we are: Beloved.1

Enneagram teaching helps you travel from head knowledge of being lovable to the lived, embodied, heart knowledge of your Belovedness.

9 Truths of your Belovedness

Type 1: You are good, as you are.

Type 2: You are wanted, as you are.

Type 3: You are worthy, as you are.

Type 4: You matter, as you are.

Type 5: You are competent, as you are.

Type 6: You are supported, as you are.

Type 7: You have enough, as you are.

Type 8: You are strong enough, as you are.

Type 9: You are whole, as you are.

And for all types:

You are loved and lovable, as you are.

Maybe the message of your wing resonates more than your main type message. Maybe a message on the other side of the Enneagram resonates today. That’s fine. Take whichever message you need today. This exercise is not meant to determine your type but to affirm again and again:

And if you struggle to believe it, that’s okay too. I believe one day you can and you will.

It takes Practice

Our brains are like trails in a forest. We have directions that we travel over and over again until there is a well worn path that we hop onto without thinking about it. These trails are the brains messages and habitual behaviors. For example: It is far easier for me to believe there is something wrong with me than that I belong as I am (Type 4 messages).

Embracing that we are beloved requires forging a new path. Maybe you haven’t seen anyone do this before. Maybe creating this path requires leaving behind loved ones who choose to remain on the well-worn path.

Our bodies often rebel against our desire to create a new path. It feels safer to remain on the old one, even if the old one continues to drag us down.

This is why it is important to not travel alone.

If it weren’t for my mentors and counselors over the years, I would not question the false messages in my own brain but continue to assume that I was the problem.

These counselors gave me practices, questions to consider, new teachings that helped me discover: I am loved as I am.

They walked with me on these new trails with me until they were visible enough for me to take on my own.

And now, when I find myself on the old path, I have developed the awareness to recognize my surroundings (typically dark, dreary, and very scary) so I can turn around and go back to the new path.

Today, it is my joy as an Enneagram coach to be that guide for others. To help my clients forge their paths and to leave the old messaging behind for the truth of their belovedness.

Recently a client said to me, “I am realizing I don’t need a new way to try harder to be okay but I need to simply be myself.”

Yes! That’s exactly it.

Some questions to consider

What resonates from what is written above? What doesn’t?

Who is your guide? Are they taking you where you need to go?

Practice: Write down the Truth statement that you need from above. Keep it in front of you. Put aside any other statement that does not affirm this truth.

Do you want to talk to someone? I always offer free Enneagram coaching consultations. Or you can simply drop a note in the comments.

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My family is on Spring Break in Virginia. We visited my sisters and cousins, ate ice cream, hiked a mountain, saw The Super Mario Bros movie today, and have finally arrived in Virginia Beach.

As we drove today I thought about what I had planned to write and then on what I wanted to write. So I'm letting go of the original post (that can happen any other time) and I'm turning to what is on my heart.

I get so tied to my work and my sense of self often comes from if I consider myself as having an impact or if I see myself as significant. This is based on my feelings which are in flux - especially when I'm exhausted.

This trip is helping me rest and really let go. I haven't been on social media much since last Saturday. I've hardly checked my email. I haven't really even thought about my clients or writing or laundry. And I am happy because I am not judging myself based on these things.

I want to be able to experience this freedom day to day. I want to let go of the expectations of myself to always be on, connected, and producing. I believe it is possible but I know it takes a lot of practice which this time away, this vacation, provides space for. And I want to bring home with me the freedom to rest, to exhale completely.

To do that I must continue to let go of my exhausting expectations of myself.

Would you join me?

Invitations by Enneagram Type

Here is my gentle invitation to you to let go of the things that exhaust you, even for a minute, an hour, a day…

Enneagram 1s, let go of aspiring to being right all the time.

Enneagram 2s, let go of doing for others.

Enneagram 3s, let go of appearing successful.

Enneagram 4s, let go of being original.

Enneagram 5s, let go of knowing it all.

Enneagram 6s, let go of planning for the future.

Enneagram 7s, let go of thinking it all through.

Enneagram 8s, let go of being strong.

Enneagram 9s, let go of pleasing others.

Reflection questions

Breathe in

Breathe out

We often expect letting go to happen in a moment. Or that it can only happen in a perfect world. If we release these expectations I believe we can find freedom on the other side in a new way of living.

As you consider your invitation above, consider:

Is it scary to let go?

Where can you go where this would feel safe?

Who do you need with you?

What would it look like after you let go?

What small thing can you do towards letting go today?

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By the time I publish this, a couple of days will have gone by - maybe the news will seem less urgent. Maybe things will feel “better” as we move on with our daily lives.

But I doubt it.

To be honest, talking about the Enneagram right now feels silly. Pointless.

Except how we interpret, live through, and cope with these events is everything on our ongoing journey to healing.

I want to address the ways we tend to act under stress - specifically, how we treat others and what we expect from them in return - and how that might hinder us in the wake of tragedy or in the middle of an emergency.

And I would like to offer something we can each do in order to greet ourselves with care and treat our needs with love. How we can see our suffering and be kind to ourselves in the midst of it. Sometimes that may just be acknowledging that we are hurting at all.

Understanding the following is also helpful for caring for our loved ones. I hope it teaches us that we are not all the same, our needs are different, but ultimately we are each wondering if our needs will get met. What a vulnerable, scary place to be.

Enneagram Stances

(You do not need to know your Enneagram Type for this teaching. If anything, this might help you determine your Type.)

Enneagram Stances are sometimes called The Interpersonal Style - or the ways we approach others in order to get our needs met.

I believe understanding your Stance is one of the most important pieces of understanding yourself and your relationships with others.

Within your stance is your “Main Motivation” or your “Why”: We are each trying desperately to get our needs met. As I spoke last week about the Adaptive Self, our behaviors protect us in a painful world and for awhile they work. But eventually we come to a place where these behaviors stop helping and start hurting.

I wouldn’t poke at these things if I didn’t think we could heal those hurts. If I didn’t think uncovering the wounds would ultimately point us toward how to meet our needs in a healthy way.

So let’s peel back, the layers, shall we?

The Dutiful Stance: Enneagram Types 1, 2, and 6

People in the Dutiful Stance move toward others and rely on others to get their needs met. These are often the “helpers” and are dutiful, loyal individuals that keep us all moving along. They see what needs to be done, feel great empathy for those going through heartache, and show up with natural compassion.

Unfortunately, these types can ignore their own thoughts, feelings, and needs in order to care for others, believing this in turn will meet their needs. All of their feeling and doing for others can lead to burn out for themselves. When they are struggling, they may become clingy, insecure, doubt themselves and even manipulate others to get their unspoken needs met.

3 Tips for the Dutiful Stance under Stress:

1. Stop and take 3 deep breathes. Pay attention to your body. How does it feel? What name would you give that feeling? (Use feelings wheel below)

2. Stop and ask yourself why you are doing so much. Do you wish for something in return? What do you want others to do for you?

3. Identify your own need in the midst of this tragedy. Name it. Do for yourself as you would do for someone else or ask for help directly.

The Withdrawn Stance: Enneagram Types 4, 5, and 9

People in the Withdrawn Stance move away from others and into their inner world of thoughts and feelings. They tend to fear their own needs will not be met by others and instead rely on themselves. Withdrawing may look like solitude but it can become isolation as they choose to be alone rather than with others.

Because they have withdrawn, people in this stance are less likely to show up and do anything for others. They may see what needs to be done or have ideas on how things could be better but rarely take those first steps forward. In the same way, because they are withdrawn, others are less likely to see their needs.

When they are healthy the Types in the Withdrawn Stance bring calm and peace with their presence. Their perspective brings wisdom, their ability to listen is calming. Their voice and unique actions are important in every community.

3 Tips for the Dutiful Stance under Stress:

1. Name your need and consider whether or not you are really meeting it on your own. Be direct in communicating your need to one person. Acknowledge your feelings that may be ignored behind all the thinking you are doing.

2. If the big picture is overwhelming, take a look at your hyper-local situation and notice where your presence matters. Is it in your family? Your neighborhood? Take a small step towards showing up for someone else.

3. Start moving your body. Your brain and neurons extend throughout your body and movement in your thoughts and feelings will happen as you walk or do yoga or exercise as you prefer. (See: stupid mental health walk.)

The Assertive Stance: Types 3, 7, and 8

People in the Assertive Stance move against others to get their needs met. They believe they must expand their sense of self and when struggling can be demanding and dominating. This manipulation comes from their great fear of experiencing anything “less than” and instead demand more.

These types can be great champions for those who are in need, as they become protectors and advocates. They often see the solution to a problem as the problem presents itself. However, they can also bulldoze people with their strength. And they may find their own needs remain unmet as they struggle to admit any weakness.

When they are healthy, people in the Assertive Stance can identify their own vulnerable emotions: for example shame, pain, or sadness. They know that “Vulnerability is not weakness; it's our greatest measure of courage.” (Brené Brown, Daring Greatly)

3 Tips for the Assertive Stance under Stress

1. Slow down. Your frustration with the speed (aka slowness) of others and their ability to get to the root of the problem may be a sign of your own stress.

2. Name your feeling. Use a feeling wheel - I’ll include one below. If your feeling is anger, identify a second feeling. That second feeling might be a clue for why you are angry.

3. Name your need. Do you need to feel safe? Do you need to a sense of purpose? Do you need loyalty from others? Work from that awareness of your need. Share it with a person you trust.

What do you think of this teaching? How have you seen yourself behave in one of these ways under stress?

Did you notice that I told every single type to name your need? Yeah. I mean it. And if you can’t identify it, let’s chat.

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I’ll start. In my hurt and trauma response this week, I found myself doom scrolling alone. Gathering information, thinking about what happened, processing it all by myself (Type 4w5 response). Then, when I couldn’t handle my feelings anymore, my 3 wing was activated and I started posting my positions online in a somewhat antagonistic, angry way.

That evening I went to the gym and worked out - hard. I felt the stress and anger dissipate in my body. I began to regret some of my words. I began to see my pain and fear for what it was. I let myself cry for the first time that evening. I let myself move through my feelings instead of stuffing them inside my body. I donated towards the victims fund. I rested.

I am still healing. You are too. Even us withdrawn types don’t live in a vacuum. We need each other and we need to express that need to each other. I need you and you need me.

I hope this is helpful.

Sources

Drew Moser, PhD, The Enneagram of Discernment: The Way of Vocation, Wisdom, and Practice

Suzanne Stabile, The Journey Toward Wholeness: Enneagram Wisdom for Stress, Balance, and Transformation

Feelings Wheel from David Kessler, @iamdavidkessler, Instagram post, Feb 5, 2023.

Seriously, we all need a stupid mental health walk and maybe a little laugh…

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