Is the Enneagram Mean?

Or: Why compassion is essential when studying the Enneagram

“The Enneagram is mean.”

- Ted, My brother-in-law

When I discovered the Enneagram it was the only thing I wanted to talk about. The only thing I wanted to learn about. I listened to podcasts, read half a dozen books, asked people their number and went around typing my friends and family in my head - and to their face. I sat down with my mom at the kitchen counter and explained all nine types, complete with a drawing. I explained the different motivations and saw her head swirl as I jabbered on excitedly.

Enneagram literally means “9 Image”

The Enneagram helped me feel seen and known, understood in a way I had never experienced before. I am a Type Four and if you don’t know Type Fours are one of the most misunderstood types of personalities on the Enneagram. But when I read the introduction paragraphs to Fours online, I saw myself for the first time.

“Maybe there’s not something wrong with me,” I thought. And then, “Everyone needs to know about the Enneagram!”

But when I began having conversations with others, like my brother-in-law, I found that not everyone felt so free and seen.

“The Enneagram is mean,” he stated after I mentioned my newfound passion.

“No it’s not!” I defended her. (The Enneagram was like a person to me at this point.)

Disgruntled I brushed him off as someone who just didn’t get it and let myself feel superior for a minute with my grasp on such an insightful tool (I know, gag, give me a minute more). Surely he must feel this way because he doesn’t care like I do. (Oh my gosh, did I really think that?!)

But after I stopped being offended on behalf of the Enneagram, I let myself get curious: Why did he think it is mean? What about the Enneagram offended him so much? What did he see or experience that I was missing?

I began to hear Ian Morgan Cron on the Typology podcast stress that the Enneagram is not a party game. It is not to be used to tease or stereotype or box people in. You should not say, “You are such an Enneagram Six!” Or “That is such a Type One thing to do.”

The Enneagram provides insights into the deeper parts of us that want to remain hidden. It exposes our motivations, our hurts, and our fears with stark honesty. If someone is not ready to see these pieces of themselves or if they don’t feel safe with that information being shared with the world it’s like a bandaid being ripped off of an open wound. Sharp. Uncaring. Mean.

As a person who has always valued authenticity, I was learning that truth isn’t helpful if it isn’t paired with compassion.

“Compassion… involves the recognition and clear seeing of the suffering.”

(Kristin Neff, Self-Compassion)

I believe the Enneagram is one of the most powerful tools for self-awareness, personal growth, spiritual growth, and relational harmony. But the Enneagram without compassion IS mean.

Imagine you lose a loved one and someone tells you this is a wonderful opportunity to become your own person or to pursue your dreams without acknowledging the gaping hole in your heart.

Or you are fired from a job and then you are told it’s because you are worried too much about failure and to get over it.

Or you have done your best to take care of your family but they withdraw away from you and you are told it is your fault.

That is what the Enneagram can feel like without compassion.

But when we add compassion or “feelings of kindness for people who are suffering”(Neff) we can see a bigger picture. We can see that our behaviors are us doing our best to get by in a broken, painful world. We can see that our motivations, attitudes, feelings, desires, and even sins, are our best attempt to stay safe, secure, and whole. We can see that we are doing the best we can but we are struggling.

We can see this in others and we can see this in ourselves.

So before you dive into studying the Enneagram or finding your type, ask yourself:

Am I ready to walk into this with kindness?

Can I treat others and myself with compassion?

If not, the Enneagram may be very mean indeed.

More to come…

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Enneagram Assessment

If you don’t know your Enneagram Type or are simply unsure if you have decided on the correct Enneagram Type, an assessment can help. I offer a free Enneagram assessment on my website.

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