Let's Talk about Overwhelm
On dealing with an overwhelming world as a Highly Sensitive Person
Two weeks ago, my husband Tim found me on the bathroom floor, throwing away old bottles of shampoo, travel sized toothpastes, and razors. “What’cha doing?” he asked.
“The one thing I can control in my life right now,” I laughed sardonically.
Tim just looked at me, patted my head, walked away, and I continued reorganizing our bathroom storage.
I hate organizing.
I don’t choose to organize unless it is necessary. And that day it was. Not because that bathroom cupboard was so bad but because the rest of my life has felt upside down.
Our kitchen looks like this right now. As I write this. And I had to laugh walking in because I didn’t even know the fridge and oven had been moved.
As the one who does all of the cooking, meal planning, and general food prep in this house it is like my office was taken away from me. I am working from a tiny kitchenette in the basement.
I know that I know that I know I will love our kitchen when this work is done but it is not done in this moment. The day of the bathroom organization was also the day the ceiling and last wall came down. It was the penultimate day of demo (which was one wall and ceiling further than I expected) and the things I had done felt undone, the work I had to do felt too difficult.
There are unseen stressors as well related to family, work, and relationships. Sometimes it all comes together into one big sensation: overwhelmed.
Overwhelm is like a flooded system. Like a ship facing a storm and the bow is overcome by a wave. Or a computer crashing because it was overloaded with data.
Overwhelm can happen to a person in stress but it can also happen with feelings. When the pain or grief takes over and all that is left to do is cry. Or anxiety over the future causes a panic attack. Or the injustice of a wrong results in feelings of rage.
For some, overwhelm comes with sensory overload. Those who are Highly Sensitive People take in sights, sounds, smells, and sensations at a greater intensity level than average folks. Or they absorb the emotions in the room at a higher intensity. Sometimes the overstimulation is more than we can take.
Things hit bottom that day on the bathroom floor. I’ve had to make some changes to get through this. To regulate it all internally.
How I am regaining composure
I. Normalize the Hard
This experience of the kitchen remodel has been overwhelming for me but it is always helpful for me to normalize my experience because I have a tendency to see myself as the one who is in the wrong. Like everyone else can handle life and I am the one who is a mess. This is quintessential Enneagram 4, by the way. We see others through rose colored glasses and ourselves as inadequate and falling short.
I did two things. First, I listened to my friends who said renovating their kitchen was one of the hardest things they have done. I received their affirmation that it is stressful and I am not alone. I received their empathy and care. I accepted meals and invitations over for dinner.
It was not helping me to pretend that everything was okay (which I do tend to do with others) but I acknowledged my stress.
I also (finally) watched Sensitive: The Untold Story* which is a documentary on Highly Sensitive People (HSPs). I have read Dr. Elaine Aron’s books The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive in a World that Overwhelms You* and The Highly Sensitive Parent: Be Brilliant in Your Role, Even When the World Overwhelms You* (see a pattern with overwhelm?) which were so good. I needed to SEE others talking about their experience as HSPs.
I feel so different with my frequent overwhelm but I’m not different from them.
20% of the population are HSPs. People like Alanis Morisette, Sarah Bareilles, and Glennon Doyle are all Highly Sensitive People and have talked about finding themselves unable to function or cope at the same “level” with life as others, which can be so exhausting.
I am not alone. I am not wrong. I may be different but that difference is also normal.
II. Give Myself Space to Heal
One thing I hate about dealing with overwhelm is the amount of time it takes to recover. But if I don’t give myself that space, guess what? I don’t recover. I continue to swing on a pendulum of stressors from angry and irrational and stressed to burnt out and withdrawn.
And giving myself space isn’t the same as withdrawing from the world to lick my wounds. I’m talking about choosing to sit out on the patio on these warm spring days, away from my kids and the kitchen, to listen to the birds and frogs and squirrels in my neighborhood, and to become grounded in the world again.
I’m giving myself space to process the thoughts and feelings I carry with me so that I am not stuck in them. I am asking myself the story I am telling myself and getting curious about whether it is true.
I am taking concrete steps to move forward, like sitting in a coffee shop to write. I’m finding the normal in my own life again.
III. Giving Myself Compassion
For some reason this is the hardest step. I am offering myself compassion for how hard life is right now.
My brain tells me I should not suffer through this kitchen project. It is a good change. Kind of like a “good problem” which is what people like to say when we say we are busy with our small businesses.
But if I don’t offer myself compassion for my overwhelm, I instead create more overwhelm. I beat myself up for not holding it together and then I feel worse. Sound familiar?
For some reason in our society it is more acceptable to be mean to ourselves than to be kind to ourselves. It is acceptable to speak to ourselves negatively and not okay to love on ourselves. To care for ourselves as we would our own children.
My sister sent this lovely video of Ru Paul loving his five year old self.
Part of me laughs and feels embarrassed watching this intimate form of self-love. And then part of me feels super vulnerable thinking of doing this myself.
But what would it look like if I saw myself and my overwhelm as that hurt child self, struggling in an overwhelming world, and just trying so hard to hold it all together. What if I could simply look at my own sweet face and love me like Ru loves himself?
With my own kids I show so much patience and compassion when they are overwhelmed. I help them create a positive environment for doing homework or chores to make it more manageable. I encourage them. I hug them. I tell them I love them.
I can do the same thing for myself.
What do you need to take for you, today?
I know this isn’t a normal Enneagram post but HSPs are many Enneagram types. They are 2s, 4,s 6s, and 9s. They are 1s, 5s, and yes, even 7s. I’m sure there are even 3s and 8s who are HSPs. If you are curious if you might be a Highly Sensitive Person, check out Dr. Aron’s self-test (I score as high as 23 but it can fluctuate) and I highly recommend her books which I linked above.
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