Speak Compassion to Shame
Shame tells us there is something wrong with us. Dealing with this hard feeling is softer than you would think. Highlight: Enneagram Types 2, 3, and 4
This morning, my husband Tim was typing up a job description on his phone and told me he is going to hire an administrative assistant for his business. This is something he needs and my first response was to think, “Oh. Good.” But then I started imagining another being in our house (we both work from home) and I sort of panicked.
I said to him, “I don’t want another person in our house.”
He put down his phone in frustration. “I should have expected this. You always see what is wrong, the one thing that could be wrong.”
My heart sank. I apologized. He’s not wrong. He picked up his phone and kept working on the job description and we agree to talk about it more later. When we do discuss it and I read the job description, I agree it is a good decision, the right thing right now. And we continue to go about our day.
But I can’t shake the shame.
Even right now, I hear his voice ringing in my ears. “You only see what is wrong.”
Shame is speaking to me, too. “You aren’t enough. You can’t do enough. You should’ve provided that admin support for his business. You should’ve finished that financial paperwork. You failed.”
Tim makes us brunch and I wonder if he is still mad at me. He kisses me and gives me a hug to calm me. I still feel uneasy. “I am a disappointment. I’m not enough.” Tim assures me that’s not true. I struggle to believe it.
When people are asked to name their feelings, they typically can name angry, happy, and sad. But most scholars and feelings experts (aka psychologists, social workers, therapists, etc) name upwards of 87 different emotions. Emotions are typically broken into categories like this feelings wheel I got off of Pinterest.
The emotions we struggle with or which are seen as negative are at the top of the Feelings Wheel and are typically broken into the broad categories Sad, Angry, and Scared/Fear. This feelings wheel is so helpful and I pull it out with my clients All.The.Time.
Interestingly, the Enneagram names our main emotional struggles as Anger, Fear, and Shame. And shame is the emotional struggle of three Enneagram types, probably every day. But what is shame?
Brené Brown, self-described shame researcher, writes,
“I define shame as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging—something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.”1
Dr. Brown describes guilt as the sense that we have done something bad, but shame tells us, “I am bad.”2
Shame speaks to us in the first person:
I am not wanted.
I am not enough.
I must do more to be accepted.
I must be better, no the best to belong.
I am a disappointment.
I am a failure.
I am unlovable.
And so on…
Sound familiar?
American culture is intensely shame-based as it relies on performance, producing, and pleasing as the basis of belonging. We learn from an early age to prove our worthy by “being good,” getting good grades, excelling in sports or music, and towing the line with family and societal expectations. We are trained to wear a polished mask and hide any unpleasant or disruptive emotions. To be successful. Anyone who does not, is not acceptable.
Many of us could tell stories and wounds of shame from our past.
Tim was told by his principal that his parents must be so disappointed in him.
I was told by a psychologist that I didn’t have what it takes to be a writer, before I even started.
A client tells me how her brother has been verbally abusive since they were kids and how her parents did nothing to stop it.
We each respond to shame in different ways. We either believe it and hide/withdraw or we try to prove it wrong.
“Shame often leaves us feeling immobilized, or worse, feeling ready to strike out as a way of offloading the pain of disconnection.”3
Brene Brown
Shame and the Heart Triad
All Enneagram Types can experience shame but the Heart Triad’s primary emotional struggle is shame.
Enneagram 2s fear being unwanted. To counter the shame message “I’m not wanted,” they do for others in order to earn acceptance. They use their Feelings Center of Intelligence to read how others are doing and to meet their needs. They often anticipate someone else’s needs before the other person realizes they have a need. By doing this, they secure love and belonging.
Enneagram 3s fear not being enough. To counter the shame message “I’m not enough,” they focus on achieving admiration for their successes. They use their Feelings Center of Intelligence to read if others are happy with them or not. Because shame holds them back, they ignore it and instead focus on what they can do to earn praise. By doing this, they secure a sense of worth.
Enneagram 4s fear being flawed. To counter the shame message “I’m too much and not enough,” they focus on being significant, unique, and authentic. They use their Feelings Center of Intelligence to share their emotions with others in order to receive affirmation. They believe that if they can just express themselves with meaning and significance, they will be known and accepted. By doing this, they secure a sense of identity. The problem is, they rarely feel understood or accepted.
The problem with each of these interactions with shame is that the sense of self for each type is based on what they can do. Type 2s focus on serving others. Type 3s focus on their achievements. Type 4s focus on being significant. As soon as any one of these individuals is unable to perform, the identity they have constructed crumbles and all that is left is shame.
Their greatest fear seems to be confirmed.
In my experience, Enneagram 2s and 3s are the most offended by the Enneagram. I think this is because these two types spend a lot of time trying to cover up their shameful feelings but the Enneagram teaching is fairly straight forward leaving them feeling exposed.
Type 4s typically feel seen by the Enneagram, which is one of their greatest desires, and their response to the Enneagram is usually relief. For the first time they can name the discomfort they carry inside and have been trying to explain to the world. But there is still a lot of work to do to actually dispel the shame as some then feel destined to a life of shame.
How do we cope with shame?
The purpose of the Enneagram is not to further shameful feelings but to provide freedom from it. How? I think psychologist Curt Thompson says it pretty well:
“Self-knowledge leads to self-compassion which leads to a better relationship with the experience of shame.”4
Self-knowledge or self-awareness is the practice of getting to know ourselves from a curious, objective perspective. The Enneagram helps with this because it describes our behaviors and needs without judgment. It is simply true that we each have motivations, emotional struggles, weaknesses, coping mechanisms, etc. If we want to stop a pattern of behavior or learn to regulate an emotion, we must first know ourselves.
To begin to know when we are experiencing shame, we need to be able to identify the signs. How does shame show up in you? What sensations do you feel? Does your stomach drop? Do you feel nauseous? Are your cheeks hot or do your palms sweat? Do you feel like you want to run away and hide? Or maybe you want to start doing more to cover up your feelings.
Once we have identified our shame, we can treat ourselves with self-compassion. Self-compassion looks like speaking to ourselves as we would to a child or a friend. It is seeing shame as part of us that is suffering and just wants to be loved. Speaking to ourselves with compassion looks like:
I’m sorry you’ve been through that, it must have been really hard.
Those feelings are scary.
I know you are doing your best.
What do you need?
They should not have said that to you, it’s okay to cry.
Because the voice of shame is condemning and we are used to heeding its voice, learning to speak to ourselves with compassion at first feels awkward. Be careful to not get into an argument with shame. It is not, “You’re wrong. Lalala! I’m not listening!!!” Speaking to our shame tells ourselves, “I hear that you are struggling and I am here for you.” Self-compassion is learning to show up for ourselves.
My Enneagram 4 client Sherri (name changed for privacy) told me she went to the grocery store one day and immediately noticed shame in her body. She had to get her groceries, there was no avoiding that, and she didn’t know why she was feeling shame, so she spoke to her shame, “I see you. You can be here getting groceries with me. We’ll shop together.” She was surprised to find the sensation of shame slowly dissipated as she walked the aisle of her grocery store.
This is possible for you, too.
You are not alone in experiencing shame. It is nothing to be ashamed of! It is part of being a human. And you can learn to regulate it so you don’t believe everything it says.
Honestly, this post was really hard to write. Shame has been very present to me the last few weeks after some major set backs that were outside of my control. But “shame” has told me it’s my fault. Finally, here I am, showing up, feeling some imposter syndrome and shame, but thanks to the ways I have learned to name the feeling and accept myself, shame’s more along for the ride instead of driving today.
You can experience that, too.
I believe in you.
Does this resonate? I would love to hear how you cope with shame.
Brené Brown, “Shame vs. Guilt,” Brené Brown, October 10, 2023, https://brenebrown.com/articles/2013/01/15/shame-v-guilt/.
Brown, Brené. Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, Love, parent, and lead. New York, NY: Avery, an imprint of Penguin Random House, 2015.
Brown, B. (2020). Adding Shame, Guilt, Humiliation, Embarrassment, Empathy, and Self-Compassion to the Social Emotional Learning Vocabulary. Brené Brown. Retrieved November 17, 2023, from https://brenebrown.com/resources/adding-shame-guilt-humiliation-embarrassment-empathy-and-self-compassion-to-the-social-emotional-learning-vocabulary/
Thompson, C. (2020, May 28). Dr. Curt Thompson on the Enneagram and Shame [S03-044] (I. M. Cron, Interviewer; season 3, episode 44). Retrieved November 17, 2023, from https://www.typologypodcast.com/podcast/2020/27/05/episode03-044/curtthompson
That was beautiful, Leah.