There’s a story in the gospel of Mark about a blind man named Bartimaeus who calls out to Jesus as he is passing by. He asks for mercy from Jesus and Jesus asks him “What do you want me to do for you?”
The answer seems obvious, Bartimaeus wants to be able to see. So Jesus heals him.
And that’s the end of the story.
I have heard this story preached a variety of ways with different emphasis on different pieces of the story. On how audacious Bartimaeus is to call out to Jesus. On the townspeople who tell Bartimaeus to be quiet. On how Jesus is so polite he doesn’t just push his way in and heal without checking first. (This must be the Minnesota version of the story.)
But what strikes me is that Jesus even asks the question at all. It seems obvious a blind man would want to be healed of his blindness when he has heard that Jesus has done this for other people.
So why did he ask?
When I begin meeting with a new client, one of the first questions I ask them is “What do you want?” Or “What do you hope to get out of these sessions?”
I am often surprised that people can’t answer that question.
I mean, they answer. But the answer is often in the negative: I want to stop being the way that I am. I want to stop struggling with anxiety or shame. I want to stop fighting with my spouse.
People usually answer “What do you want?” with what they don’t want.
If I push for what they do want, many times they don’t know.
And I get it. The first time I answered the same question I said I wanted to not be anxious. I wanted to stop feeling terrified of screwing up in front of people. I wanted to not be afraid of the future. But I didn’t have much of a vision of what that could look like. I didn’t know what I want is to be secure, confident, and safe. I didn’t know I could name those things.
Relational Styles
Different Enneagram Types struggle to name their wants and needs for different reasons. We have each learned that our wants and needs either do or do not matter. We have learned others will or will not care about what we want. And we each have a lens through which we interpret the world that tells us whether or not we can even have needs.
As I’ve mentioned before, there are a variety of triads in the Enneagram. We can group each of the 9 types into groups of 3 in a variety of ways. One of those ways is called the Relational Styles (depicted in the image below). The Relational Styles, according to Enneagram Coach Beth McCord, describe “How first relationships in life form the expectations of each Type’s adult relationships.” And specifically how we expect our needs to be met.
These triads describe if we believe our wants and needs matter, if we can name them, and if we can attain them.
Types 2, 5, and 8 are in the Rejection Triad. This group feels that their needs have been rejected by others so they reject their own needs as well. Whenever I ask someone in this group, “What do you need?” They often cannot tell me. They have gotten so used to looking past their own wants to the wants and needs of others that they don’t see themselves. They offer their care (Type 2s), their knowledge (type 5s), and their strength (Type 8s), denying their own emotional and physical needs. Often I need to convince these types that they have needs, just like everyone else.
But what broke my heard the most was when a Type 5 told me that it’s a nice thought that others would care about their needs, since that was not their experience in life.
Friend, if you are in this Triad, I am sorry others have not met or seen your needs. I’m sorry you experienced times of need and want. You have given so much to others. Let me tell you the truth: Your needs matter. Full stop. I hope your needs will be met, your wishes will be honored, even today.
Types 3, 6, and 9 are in the Attachment Triad. These types adapt themselves to those around them. Through their skills of intuition and observation, these types notice what their people care about and they adapt their own wishes to conform to the other. This could be the family, the church, the school, their significant other, anyone or anywhere they are seeking acceptance.
As a result, this type doesn’t know what they like, what they want, what they think. They replace knowing themselves with being seen as acceptable to those around them. They fear if they do identify their own wishes they will be bad or unacceptable. So they continue to silence that part of them.
They replace knowing themselves with being seen as acceptable
If this is you, I’m sorry you were not affirmed in your original interests, ideas, thoughts, and dreams. I’m sorry it was unsafe for you to speak up as your True Self. I’m sorry you were told, explicitly or implicitly, that your wants are less important. That you had to conform. I hope you can discover your Authentic Self.
Types 1, 4, and 7 are in the Frustration Triad. These types have high ideals for the world and consistently feel frustrated when their needs are not met to their standards. However, they also are disappointed with what they want when they do get it because it does not live up to what they had imagined. These types chase the fantasy of the ideal to meet their needs but the ideal is never real. They can’t name what they actually need, serenity, because they deny that it will be enough.
The ideal is never real.
This group is one of the more complex when it comes to naming needs. They think they are naming them. They think they are pursuing something better. Trust me, I know, I am in this triad. But the reality is this group can never recognize when their needs are met or when they get what they wanted. So they are constantly chasing a nebulous ideal that is also changing as they go. They also chase after their ideal self leading to a sense of internal shame as they let themselves down.
Friend, if this is you, I’m sorry you are so frustrated and disappointed. I know it is painful. And as much as it is annoying to accept it, I invite you to see what you already have. See what is already good, fun, and fulfilling in your life. Embrace the needs that have been met. In this way your lens of frustration can shift to one of gratitude and contentment. Which is what we are pursuing anyway.
I don’t know why Jesus asked Bartimaeus what he wanted. Not really. But what I do know is that he cared enough to ask. Others did shun Bartimaeus for speaking up for his needs.
Your wants and needs matter.
Whatever Enneagram Type you are, I want you to know this and to accept it. You are not too needy for having needs and wants.
I think one of the reasons we as a society struggle with self-care is because we have not learned to accept that we have wants and needs. That could be an entirely different post for another day, but I wonder, does your denial of your needs get in the way of you taking care of yourself?
What do you want? What do you need? Today. They could be different. They both matter.
I invite you to name it.
I invite you to pursue it.
Live it.
Receive it.
Go.
Summer is a great time for many to pursue coaching for the first time. Let’s name your desires together!
Set up your free consultation, today.