I was honored to be part of the YEC podcast on Monday and Wednesday discussing what it is like to be in the Feeling Triad but I heard from some readers that they wanted to learn more. And honestly, I wanted to share more but a podcast only lasts so long. (If you missed it, the second half of the podcast aired on Wednesday. Here it is on Spotify for you. I am featured towards the end.)
I want to spend more time with each of the Triads and their primary Center of Intelligence which we discussed last week. So, let’s begin with the Heart Triad.
The Heart Triad (Types 2, 3, and 4) utilizes the Feeling Center of Intelligence. These types are primarily observing and appealing to the emotions of others or themselves.
Our Culture and Emotions
The culture in the USA, where I live, primarily values the Head and the Gut - or our the Thinking and Doing Centers of Intelligence. We must be productive and successful members of society which is measured in the amount we get done and the money coming in. We should think rationally through our problems and not allow emotions to get in the way. “I don’t have feelings,” says one of my clients on a regular basis. “Feelings are irrational.”
This is the message many of us with big feelings have experienced our entire lives. Shut them down, silence them, take them away to a private place where you won’t interrupt the rest of us.
“America prioritizes happiness so much,” writes Susan Cain in her book Bittersweet, “that we wrote the pursuit of it in our founding documents… We’re taught from a very young age to scorn our own tears (‘Crybaby’), then to censure our sorrow for the rest of our lives.”
Most people can only name three emotions: glad, sad, and mad. Usually my clients have a negative association with certain feelings and believe they should not experience them. Ever.
Meanwhile, the Enneagram types in the Heart Triad are primarily receiving input from the world based on the emotions of others and themselves. They do this to manage their sense of self in relation to other people. Their need and place of wounding is their identity and they struggle with feelings of shame.
Here’s what this looks like for each Heart Triad Type:
The Heart Triad
Center of Intelligence: Feelings
Main Need: Sense of Identity
Emotional Struggle: Shame
Type 2: Focuses on Others' Feelings
Type 2s try to control their shame by earning love through caring for others. They are very good at identifying others' feelings and needs and meeting their needs. Type 2s desire to be acknowledged and appreciated for what they do for others to feel less shame.
Unfortunately 2s are often asleep to their own feelings and are focused on acting for others (gut). They can get stuck in obsessing (thinking) over other people's problems.
When healthy, Type 2s are unconditionally loving and caring people. They have compassion, empathy, and are very warm, nurturing people.
When Type 2s accept their own needs and take care of themselves or ask for help, they offer themselves the compassion they freely give to others. They are also free to express their feelings to others knowing that no feeling is wrong or shameful.
Healthy Type 2s know that they are loved and lovable apart from what they do for others.
Type 3: Reads Feelings then Ignores them
Type 3s believe that to be acceptable they need to be the best. They ignore their own feelings focused instead on becoming admirable and successful to others by reading their feelings. Type 3s typically reach that goal!
Type 3s struggle to separate who they are from what they do. They are driven, sometimes workaholics avoiding their feelings in order to become what they believe others want them to be.
Type 3s cope with conflict and problems with logic (thinking) and action (gut).
When healthy, Type 3s recognize they are valuable apart from what they do. They know their work and success does not define them.
Healthy Type 3s work hard for the joy of the work and in order to help others. They know they are lovable and accepted for themselves and can look to the good of the group. Healthy Type 3s can also learn to identify their own feelings and to listen to the feelings of others. They can empathize and truly make a difference in the world.
Type 4: Focuses on their Own Feelings
Type 4s are the deepest feelers of the Enneagram Types. They process their feelings at a deeper level and for longer because they believe they can find themselves in their feelings.
Type 4s struggle with shame, believing that they are missing or are more flawed than everyone else. They try to overcompensate for this by being unique or special.
They also can get lost in their thinking and imagination revolving around their feelings, but they struggle to act (gut) on their desires. (Most Type 4s come to me for coaching when they feel stuck in their lives due to this lack of gut action.)
When healthy, Type 4s recognize that they have been given the same tools as any other Enneagram Type and learn to question their feelings of shame. They embrace all feelings as part of an authentic life, not just the melancholy feelings.
Healthy Type 4s learn to take disciplined, action steps towards achieving their goals despite how they may be feeling. They are inspirational, creative, authentic, and sensitive individuals who look to the needs of others, not only themselves. Healthy Type 4s know they are not more flawed than everyone else but are enough as they are.
Reflection Time
So much more could be said for each of these Enneagram Types. I would love to go deeper and in coaching I can. But for now:
If you know or love a member of the Heart Triad, what would you want them to know? What would you say to them?
If you are in the Heart Triad, what do you wish people understood about your experiences with shame, identity, or emotions? What rings true in the descriptions above? What doesn’t?
Getting Unstuck
Did you catch my note above about clients coming to me feeling stuck in their feelings?
The first thing must-do if you want to stop feeling stuck in your own life is to treat yourself with self-compassion.
I discovered this when I was experiencing Imposter Syndrome in my career and, frankly, my life. I didn’t know how to move forward when my friend Aundi recommended Kristin Neff’s book Self-Compassion. Neff helped me see how most of the time the tone I was using to speak to myself was harsh, shameful, and demeaning. I saw how that tone kept me from moving forward in my career, relationships, and self-confidence. Even reading about the Enneagram was painful because I berated myself for every weakness and mistake.
And once I understood that I was able to take a step toward changing it.
So, give yourself the gift of stopping and observing the tone of your voice when you speak to yourself.
You’ll uncover something that will help you move one step closer toward living in freedom as your authentic self.
And, if you want to share what you uncovered, hit reply and tell me! I love to see your progress!
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I look forward to hearing from you!
Leah