Early in our marriage, Tim and I met with my mentor who was a life coach specializing in the popular MBTI or Myers-Briggs personality test. We walked into our sessions with 3 years of marriage under our belts and convinced we were pretty different. I was ambitious, he was not sure what he wanted to “be when he grew up.” I was more extroverted, he was definitely an introvert. I was messy, he was neat.
We were both night owls.
We were surprised when our MBTI results were nearly identical:
Tim: INFP
Me: INFJ
Our main difference: the J and P which stand for Judging and Perceiving. Judging refers to our preference for structure and timeliness. Perceiving refers to our preference for flexibility.1 Essentially, our main difference lies in how we live in the world.
And THAT is a significant difference.
I live by the clock, he lives by intuition.
I want to know what is happening next, he waits to see.
I have strong preferences, he will go with “whatever.”
For Tim, taking the test was eye opening because for the first time he saw that we are not all meant to be the same. He struggled to see why people didn’t do things the way he did. Though he has that laid back Perceiving piece of him, he also has a perfectionism streak. He sees what is wrong. In Enneagram terms, his personality is Type 9 with a very strong 1 wing. He does what he does very well and expects others to achieve the same level of perfectionism.
For example: Tim’s best friend once watched him tie his shoes and said it was so satisfying to see how he moved each lace with intentionality and precision. The end result being each lace in place, with perfect lengths, tightness, and form.
Tim found freedom in seeing not everyone should tie their shoes like he does. That not everyone sees the world the same way he does. And it’s not his responsibility to make them do that.
Suzanne Stabile and others teach the Enneagram is the lens through which we interpret and live in the world. Everyone sees the world in their unique way. We focus on different things (and have different blind spots as well). This shows up in a variety of ways when we discuss the Enneagram. It shows up in our childhood messages, in the ways we approach relationships, in how we approach conflict, in our unique goals, and more.
The Enneagram is the lens through which we interpret and live in the world.
Understanding our Enneagram lens is the first step towards understanding ourselves and one another.
Thankfully, the Enneagram makes it easy with Enneagram Triads. There are a variety of triads we can discuss in relation to the Enneagram, but typically when someone mentions Enneagram Triads they are referring to the different Centers of Intelligence: Doing Intelligence, Feeling, or Thinking.
The Gut Triad utilizes the Doing Center of Intelligence (Types 8, 9, and 1). These types are primarily observing and focusing on doing the right thing.
The Heart Triad utilizes the Feeling Center of Intelligence (Types 2, 3, and 4). These types are primarily observing and appealing to the emotions of others or themselves.
The Head Triad utilizes the Thinking Center of Intelligence (Types 5, 6, and 7). These types are primarily observing and synthesizing facts.
What we do, what we or others feel, and what we think. These three Centers of our being influence our daily lives. And they distinguish ourselves from others in our different ways of approaching the world.
We each have access to all three of these Centers but we each use one primarily. This cannot be underemphasized. We each primarily take in information about the world and live in the world through our primary Center of Intelligence. And most likely, we live in the world from a different Center than those around us.
As we consider our similarities and differences, our acceptance of others (or even ourselves), I wonder…
Do we accept and value all three Centers?
If we value getting things done, we may become irritated with those who stop and make sure they have all the data before proceeding. If we value feelings, we might feel blown over by those who are push through. And if we value thinking, we might have no space for people with big feelings in our lives.
How often have we heard people complain that someone is slow? Or emotional? Or bulldozes others? These actions and behaviors we notice in others begin with the Center of Intelligence that person is utilizing in order to achieve their Main Motivation (as we discussed here).
The truth is, when we ignore or disdain a Center of Intelligence, we are not only looking down on others, we are looking down on a piece of ourselves.
I want to spend some more time in the Centers of Intelligence over the coming weeks. We cannot downplay their importance or how they influence our lives. Our work. Our relationships. Our mental health. It’s all there. If you’re not Subscribed already, please join us. I hope it will be insightful and even fun.
Reflection Questions
Which Center are you living from today?
How does your primary Center of Intelligence influence your work? Your relationships? Your mental health?
How does it help you?
What do you need?
Drop an answer in the comments. I would love to hear from you.
So often I feel we are scratching the surface when it comes to these Substack discussions. If you are longing for more in depth discussions around your Enneagram Type and what you need (one of the most difficult things to name, am I right?) let’s set up a connection call to see if Enneagram Coaching is right for you. Just schedule a time that works for you on my calendar here and we will chat over zoom. It’s that easy.
Want to take a free Enneagram test? I have one here!
1 https://www.myersbriggs.org/my-mbti-personality-type/mbti-basics/judging-or-perceiving.htm?bhcp=1