Ways to Heal and Get our Needs Met
Under stress, we can each attempt to get our needs met from a place of woundedness. There is another way.
I sit down to write today absolutely devastated and burdened by the news of yet another school shooting at an elementary school.
By the time I publish this, a couple of days will have gone by - maybe the news will seem less urgent. Maybe things will feel “better” as we move on with our daily lives.
But I doubt it.
To be honest, talking about the Enneagram right now feels silly. Pointless.
Except how we interpret, live through, and cope with these events is everything on our ongoing journey to healing.
I want to address the ways we tend to act under stress - specifically, how we treat others and what we expect from them in return - and how that might hinder us in the wake of tragedy or in the middle of an emergency.
And I would like to offer something we can each do in order to greet ourselves with care and treat our needs with love. How we can see our suffering and be kind to ourselves in the midst of it. Sometimes that may just be acknowledging that we are hurting at all.
Understanding the following is also helpful for caring for our loved ones. I hope it teaches us that we are not all the same, our needs are different, but ultimately we are each wondering if our needs will get met. What a vulnerable, scary place to be.
Enneagram Stances
(You do not need to know your Enneagram Type for this teaching. If anything, this might help you determine your Type.)
Enneagram Stances are sometimes called The Interpersonal Style - or the ways we approach others in order to get our needs met.
I believe understanding your Stance is one of the most important pieces of understanding yourself and your relationships with others.
Within your stance is your “Main Motivation” or your “Why”: We are each trying desperately to get our needs met. As I spoke last week about the Adaptive Self, our behaviors protect us in a painful world and for awhile they work. But eventually we come to a place where these behaviors stop helping and start hurting.
I wouldn’t poke at these things if I didn’t think we could heal those hurts. If I didn’t think uncovering the wounds would ultimately point us toward how to meet our needs in a healthy way.
So let’s peel back, the layers, shall we?
The Dutiful Stance: Enneagram Types 1, 2, and 6
People in the Dutiful Stance move toward others and rely on others to get their needs met. These are often the “helpers” and are dutiful, loyal individuals that keep us all moving along. They see what needs to be done, feel great empathy for those going through heartache, and show up with natural compassion.
Unfortunately, these types can ignore their own thoughts, feelings, and needs in order to care for others, believing this in turn will meet their needs. All of their feeling and doing for others can lead to burn out for themselves. When they are struggling, they may become clingy, insecure, doubt themselves and even manipulate others to get their unspoken needs met.
3 Tips for the Dutiful Stance under Stress:
1. Stop and take 3 deep breathes. Pay attention to your body. How does it feel? What name would you give that feeling? (Use feelings wheel below)
2. Stop and ask yourself why you are doing so much. Do you wish for something in return? What do you want others to do for you?
3. Identify your own need in the midst of this tragedy. Name it. Do for yourself as you would do for someone else or ask for help directly.
The Withdrawn Stance: Enneagram Types 4, 5, and 9
People in the Withdrawn Stance move away from others and into their inner world of thoughts and feelings. They tend to fear their own needs will not be met by others and instead rely on themselves. Withdrawing may look like solitude but it can become isolation as they choose to be alone rather than with others.
Because they have withdrawn, people in this stance are less likely to show up and do anything for others. They may see what needs to be done or have ideas on how things could be better but rarely take those first steps forward. In the same way, because they are withdrawn, others are less likely to see their needs.
When they are healthy the Types in the Withdrawn Stance bring calm and peace with their presence. Their perspective brings wisdom, their ability to listen is calming. Their voice and unique actions are important in every community.
3 Tips for the Dutiful Stance under Stress:
1. Name your need and consider whether or not you are really meeting it on your own. Be direct in communicating your need to one person. Acknowledge your feelings that may be ignored behind all the thinking you are doing.
2. If the big picture is overwhelming, take a look at your hyper-local situation and notice where your presence matters. Is it in your family? Your neighborhood? Take a small step towards showing up for someone else.
3. Start moving your body. Your brain and neurons extend throughout your body and movement in your thoughts and feelings will happen as you walk or do yoga or exercise as you prefer. (See: stupid mental health walk.)
The Assertive Stance: Types 3, 7, and 8
People in the Assertive Stance move against others to get their needs met. They believe they must expand their sense of self and when struggling can be demanding and dominating. This manipulation comes from their great fear of experiencing anything “less than” and instead demand more.
These types can be great champions for those who are in need, as they become protectors and advocates. They often see the solution to a problem as the problem presents itself. However, they can also bulldoze people with their strength. And they may find their own needs remain unmet as they struggle to admit any weakness.
When they are healthy, people in the Assertive Stance can identify their own vulnerable emotions: for example shame, pain, or sadness. They know that “Vulnerability is not weakness; it's our greatest measure of courage.” (Brené Brown, Daring Greatly)
3 Tips for the Assertive Stance under Stress
1. Slow down. Your frustration with the speed (aka slowness) of others and their ability to get to the root of the problem may be a sign of your own stress.
2. Name your feeling. Use a feeling wheel - I’ll include one below. If your feeling is anger, identify a second feeling. That second feeling might be a clue for why you are angry.
3. Name your need. Do you need to feel safe? Do you need to a sense of purpose? Do you need loyalty from others? Work from that awareness of your need. Share it with a person you trust.
What do you think of this teaching? How have you seen yourself behave in one of these ways under stress?
Did you notice that I told every single type to name your need? Yeah. I mean it. And if you can’t identify it, let’s chat.
I’ll start. In my hurt and trauma response this week, I found myself doom scrolling alone. Gathering information, thinking about what happened, processing it all by myself (Type 4w5 response). Then, when I couldn’t handle my feelings anymore, my 3 wing was activated and I started posting my positions online in a somewhat antagonistic, angry way.
That evening I went to the gym and worked out - hard. I felt the stress and anger dissipate in my body. I began to regret some of my words. I began to see my pain and fear for what it was. I let myself cry for the first time that evening. I let myself move through my feelings instead of stuffing them inside my body. I donated towards the victims fund. I rested.
I am still healing. You are too. Even us withdrawn types don’t live in a vacuum. We need each other and we need to express that need to each other. I need you and you need me.
I hope this is helpful.
Sources
Drew Moser, PhD, The Enneagram of Discernment: The Way of Vocation, Wisdom, and Practice
Suzanne Stabile, The Journey Toward Wholeness: Enneagram Wisdom for Stress, Balance, and Transformation
Feelings Wheel from David Kessler, @iamdavidkessler, Instagram post, Feb 5, 2023.
Seriously, we all need a stupid mental health walk and maybe a little laugh…
Some links may be affiliate links which gives me a few pennies with your purchase.