Why I am NOT annoying

The Adapted Self keeps us feeling like we are okay... until it doesn't.

When I was a sophomore in high school, a “friend” told my friend that he thought I was annoying. I was floored. Of course I wanted to be anything but annoying and I started wondering if everyone thought I was annoying. I thought he liked me. I thought we were friends. But it turns out… maybe not?

For days my thoughts circled around that word: annoying.

I looked around at my classmates, the cool girls, the funny kids, the ones everyone seemed to like. They seemed to fit in. They seemed to have it all together. They were attractive, had “In Crowd” energy. They were NOT annoying.

I wanted to be like them.

I vowed to become who I thought other people wanted me to be to be acceptable.

I quickly morphed. In band I was one of the best flautists. In PhyEd I was athletic and collected. In math I was bright. But in science, English, and history and most of the rest of my classes though I tried to say smart, witty things, I was quiet. Withdrawn. Because I didn’t know what to do. I just wanted to be unseen because I feared being annoying.

I wondered how others did it. How did they make looking so good, being so charming seem so effortless? As an introvert with a rapidly developing social anxiety disorder I could not do it.

But I tried.

I tried and tried and tried.

Within a few months I felt like I didn’t know who I was anymore.

I was a mess.

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Why do we do this to ourselves?

For decades and even longer¹ spiritual directors have taught about the False Self and the True Self.

The True Self is the authentic self God has created us to be. It is who we are when we are our most real, the most awake to our desires, the most integrated in mind, body, and heart. It is the self that knows we don’t need to try so hard to be loved, safe, or in control.

The False Self is “the deeply entrenched, externalized identity comprised of roles, personas, masks, and achievements… the false self bases its worth almost entirely on thoughts about our body, job, education, clothes, money, car, performance, success, and more. The false self is competitive, fabricated, and grandiose. When triggered, it poses, postures, spins, hides, defends, judges, deflects, pretends, manipulates, and fears.” (Spiritual Rhythms for the Enneagram, Adele Ahlberg Calhoun, emphasis mine)

Most of us live from the False Self most of the time.

We construct a Self in order to form protection and survival instincts. In order to be accepted and be given esteem. To find security. To construct our own power.

“Whichever personal defenses we develop, they serve to protect our tender and vulnerable hearts. This first task in life is unavoidable and is a means of survival… We modify ourselves and crop what might jeopardize our relationships, our worth, our esteem, our security, and our control. We also add layers of protection. We adapt. And it works. For a time.

“Eventually it backfires and no longer serves us.”

Marilyn Vancil, Self to Lose, Self to Find

We adapt who we are to be okay. For this reason I prefer to use the term Adapted Self and will for the rest of the article.

We live from the Adapted Self because it works.

While trying hard to be who others would like in high school, I found a sense of self in good grades, music, and athleticism. I received admiration from my parents for my good grades. I received literal applause from classmates for my flute solo in our sophomore band concert. Adults complimented my hard work and for being so good.

I found identity and safety in my performance as a creative, smart, likable person.

But I was always afraid my mask would slip. I became anxious, exhausted, and depressed because my Adapted Self told me being me wasn’t safe. My work was acceptable but I wasn’t acceptable as myself.

The Adapted Self works… until it doesn’t.

We need to discover a new way of living. Learn how to take off the masks of the Adapted Self and lean into the True or Authentic Self. The Self God created. This is the work of spiritual formation. It is the work of the Enneagram.

“Peeling back the adapted self to a more authentic way of living takes great time and care. We relax into it more than we go get it. We receive it as a gift more than we create it. And that authentic self, for every person, regardless of enneagram type, is this:

“You are a beloved self-in-God, made in the image of the Divine…

“Your authentic self is one who is completely covered and encompassed in love. In this way, your authentic self has nothing to do with your behavior. It has everything to do with love.”

- Drew Moser, The Enneagram of Discernment

Is this a hard message to take in? Is this difficult to believe? You are not alone. The Adapted Self has kept you safe for so long. Even as you long to be loved, accepted and cared for as you are the Adapted Self has earned you praise, admiration, security, and power. It has worked.

But is it still working? Do you still feel secure? Or do you fear that you might lose all that you have worked for any minute? Are you tired, worn out, beat up? There is another way.

“A critical part of this ongoing journey of transformation is to discern when I am operating from my Authentic Self, united with God, or my Adapted Self, created by me.”

Marilyn Vancil, Self to Lose, Self to Find

Main Beliefs of the Adapted Self

Peeling back the mask of our Adapted Self begins with self-awareness of what we believe we must be or do to be okay. Every Enneagram Type has a different understanding of what this is.

Type 1s: Believe they must be good, right, perfect at all times to be okay.

Type 2s: Believe they must be worthy and lovable to be okay.

Type 3s: Believe they must be successful and admired to be okay.

Type 4s: Believe they must be significant and original to be okay.

Type 5s: Believe they must be knowledgeable to be okay.

Type 6s: Believe they must be supported by others to be okay.

Type 7s: Believe they must be stimulated and feel good to be okay.

Type 8s: Believe they must be strong and in control to be okay.

Type 9s: Believe they must be at peace to be okay.

How does this fit for you?

Is there any nuance you would add to the belief of your adapted self belief?

Where do you struggle to be yourself?

New Clients!

Client after client have come to me tired, burnt out, and stuck in their Adapted Selves. It has been a joy to see them discover their True Selves through Enneagram Coaching.

I currently have some space for new clients in my schedule. If you have been curious about finding an Enneagram Coach, or even just have questions about what an Enneagram Coach does, let’s chat! Pick a time on my calendar for a Free Consultation.

I look forward to hearing from you!

Leah

1. The idea of True Self and Adapted Self is not new. I would argue the concept was present and active even back in the Apostle Paul’s day when he spoke of “the flesh” as the piece of himself that was not in line with God (Romans 8). Or the old self and the new self, one leads to deception and death but the other leads to life (Ephesians 4:22-24, Colossians 3:9-10).