Why we Need Anger (and the Enneagram Types who struggle with anger the most)
Why we Need Anger (and the Enneagram Types who struggle with anger the most)
Many of us have received the message that our anger is not okay. Here's some info on what it tells us and tips for what to do with our anger. Plus: how anger shows up in the Gut Triad.
The news has been overwhelming whether it is from overseas or at home. Murders of innocent children as far away as Gaza and as close as Chicago - and St. Paul, MN. Terrorist activity and oppression. Genocide and racism and bias. Islamophobia and anti-semitism and xenophobia.
It makes the world feel heavy.
But another emotion stirs in us: Anger.
There are marches on capitals across the United Staes and in Universities. There are rallies in synagogues and on college campuses.
Protest letters are being written about war and violence and the lack of leadership.
Anger is everywhere.
Anger is valid.
Anger communicates something is wrong.
Anger doesn’t just show up in our bodies because there is something wrong with us. Anger shows up because something has happened that is against us. We know we or others have been wronged. Our boundaries have been crossed. Someone has done something horrible. People are being hurt, victimized, or disrespected.
And yet for many of us, we have received the message it is not okay to be angry.
Verses from Scripture like “In your anger do not sin” (Eph 4:26 NIV) have been used to evoke fear of ever having anger in the first place. But the message is “don’t harm others with your anger.” Not “don’t be angry.”
Anger is a God-given emotion to alert us that injustices are taking place.
Anger is vital for creating a just world. It not only lets us know something is wrong but it gives us the strength we need to do something about it. To give voice to our complaints. To advocate. To change our own lives and the lives of others. To save the oppressed and to protect the weak.
Imagine a world without anger. A world where children are killed and no one is fueled by anger to protect them. A place where those in power oppress the weak and vulnerable with no one holding them accountable. Is that what we want?
No. Of course not. We need anger.
AND anger can hurt.
We can misuse our anger. We can take it out on the wrong person. We can use it to cut someone down. We can hold onto it in resentment or turn it against ourselves. It can become violent and dangerous. It can be the fuel of more injustice. It can separate us from one another so we only see our differences and not the ways we need each other or how we are alike.
We have learned to suppress and hide our anger. To keep quiet or to control our tone. But maybe for you, like me, it keeps showing up. Maybe it is a slow rumble that bursts out like a geyser. Gone as fast as it appears, leaving everyone stunned. At times you feel the anger is in control. Yet you still rant and rage and push everyone away. Or maybe you’ve been taught to moderate it with passive aggressive comments that seem kind but slice like razors, direct in their attack.
Controlling our anger, like any emotion, is not the goal.
Regulating anger is the goal.
I love Dr. Banner/The Hulk because he grows into a person who can utilize the power of his anger for justice. Yes, he starts out as a monster who is either causing harm with anger or stifling it. But eventually he has self-awareness and purpose in his use of his strength and anger.
Developing emotional intelligence and practicing emotional regulation requires us to develop an understanding of our anger. We must notice when we are angry. We must ask why we are angry and name that. But more than asking ourselves questions about our anger - we must first give our anger a voice. Our anger must be heard and it must first be heard by us. If we aren’t even listening to our own anger or acknowledging its presence, how can it be well managed? How can we regulate it?
Giving anger a voice can look like many things:
Write the truest sentence you can in your journal.
Grab a pillow and screaming into it as loud as you can.
Utilize your college tae-bo skills to work the anger through your body. (Ask me how I know.)
Go on an anger walk with a playlist that reflects your mood and paying attention to your thoughts and feelings.
Go to a rage room and break a bunch of stuff.
Gather others to scream in a field together.
Write a letter to your state representative.
Which exercise sounds best to you?
These activities not only give anger a voice, they provide a safe, expressive way to get our anger out of our bodies. We can’t just stuff the anger and expect ourselves to not feel it again. It will show up.
Usually after the anger has been expressed another more vulnerable emotion will show up. Sadness. Fear. Shame. Let these speak too. You have the strength.
Sometimes, we realize we were so angry because of these vulnerable feelings. We were protecting ourselves. Or others.
Anger and the Gut Triad
Everyone experiences anger, but there are three Enneagram Types that have a unique relationship with anger: Types 8, 9, and 1.1 These three are in the Gut Triad which is concerned about justice and doing the right thing. It is natural that with doing the right thing as the main motivation for these types, anger is present with them.
Each Gut Triad type expresses their anger in different ways:
Type 8 is the most direct with their anger. Usually Type 8s have no difficulty expressing their anger outward. They are not shy to say what they are thinking or feeling and they experience their anger as passion. If you remember from the Main Motivations post, Type 8s are concerned about not being taken advantage of and they are watching out for more vulnerable people as well. Anger is used as a protective force and those secondary emotions are difficult to uncover.
Type 9 is the most indirect with their anger. They prefer to ignore anger and often don’t realize they have anger. Anger, like conflict and tension, makes them uncomfortable. So instead of even acknowledging their angry feelings, a Type 9 will dismiss it. However, like I said before, anger makes itself known. Sometimes a 9 will find themselves snapping after feeling fine. Other times they are stubborn: even if it seems to other people they are going with the flow, you may find the 9 isn’t in agreement with you after all. Or they may be passive aggressive with their words. Acknowledging that anger isn’t wrong is difficult for 9s but it is also key to their relational growth as they wake up to what they want in the world.
Type 1s internalize their anger: rather than becoming angry with others, they become angry with themselves. If they are angry with others, they judge themselves for it because they think being angry is bad. Then Type 1s quickly transform their anger into another more acceptable emotion. The problem is the original anger was not dealt with and it often turns into resentment of others for not caring or doing as much as they are doing for the good. Anger is a main struggle for 1s so they must consistently ask themselves if they are angry and why in order to honestly move forward.
Are you in the Gut Triad? How does anger show up for you?
Understanding anger is a large part of my conversations with my clients. It comes up with couples and individuals of all types - especially if they are in the Sexual or One-to-One Subtype. The clients who are able to name why they are angry and are willing to explore their more vulnerable emotions under the anger are the ones who experience the most growth.
If you hear nothing else from this post, I hope you know:
Anger is normal and important.
You are not wrong or bad if you have anger.
Anger provides the energy for change.
The Gut Triad has a unique relationship with anger.
Stay tuned, next week we will talk about shame (the emotion I know best).
Did you know as a Certified Enneagram Coach with Your Enneagram Coach, you can find me listed as one of their Network Coaches?! Check it out and see my list of services or search for another coach to serve your needs!
Don’t know your Enneagram Type? Take my free assessment!